Arguing in Relationships, Healthy or Not?



Dr. Dar Hawks

Arguing in Relationships

How To Love When Your Heart Is A Target - Arguing

Each person has their own opinion so there is no doubt that sometimes arguments will happen.   And, every couple experiences disagreements.

Disagreements and arguing are not the issue.  When the arguing is unresolved, then the issues get escalated resulting in relationship problems.

I say that some arguing or disagreement is healthy in all relationships.  Agreeing all the time is BORING.  Your individuality is expressed through your unique opinion and arguing is simply a way to show your individuality while attempting to find commonality. Arguing occurs because you are not feeling heard.  Check out Communication 101 for more information on communicating and listening.

Therein lies the paradox – finding commonality when there is more than one opinion.  I am not talking about compromise or negotiation here.  I am talking about looking at what you both are standing for and finding ways that you both get what you want with fulfillment.  It is about giving and receiving…for certain…but without feeling like you are giving in.

Arguing is only unhealthy when any party in the relationship cannot move forward, cannot accept the difference in opinion, is attached to the argument (or being right) or cannot find common ground over the long term.

Healthy disagreements allow:

  • You to communicate openly so that you both can share your opinions and needs.
  • You to focus on solutions instead of the problem.  Arguing happens and continues because of the focus on the disagreement.  When you start focusing on what would create agreement, then the disagreement disappears!
  • You to accept and appreciate the diversity in your opinions and needs – starting to see that they are a gift and not a hindrance.  It is through the diversity of opinion and needs that better solutions appear.
  • You to talk about what’s important instead of what is aggravating you.

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