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Being a People Pleaser is not wrong or bad

Being a People Pleaser is not wrong or bad

Being a People Pleaser is not Wrong or Bad

Googling the words people pleaser was disheartening. My heart sunk by seeing so much negativity being propagated by well meaning individuals.  Sure I understand it’s a way to understand ourselves and why we’re taken advantage of or exploited. 

But my gosh, does every post have to be about ‘stop being a people pleaser’? Come on… let’s shift this narrative.

There are many of us who are healthy functioning humans who love giving and helping others.  We’re not completely downtrodden by everyone in our life.  We have some feel good relationships and may have a few that are in need of letting go of or a relationship reset.

Being a people pleaser is not wrong.  Being a people pleaser to the wrong people is wrong.

Being a people pleaser is not wrong or a bad thing.  I am exhausted from hearing, reading, and seeing all the negativity launched at people pleasers.  Let’s focus our attention and energy on helping and healing the takers, narcissists, manipulators, liars, and cheats… instead of giving them a pass… alas I am starting a rant here.

I invite you to stop feeling bad about wanting others to be happy or wanting to have a feel good happy world… or even about being a people pleaser.  Shaming you or blaming you for being a people pleaser and someone who is too nice, too kind, a pushover, or worse creates unnecessary mental and emotional trauma.  The only things that we as people pleasers need to add to our skill set is self-care, self-nurture, and no longer seeing the potential in others who are incapable of giving anything back to us… stop giving to complete takers. 

And let’s be honest, we can’t completely change our nature and love of giving to others but we can add in receiving so that we are given to as well…. We can promote ourselves to being a giver and receiver, in a balanced dance of harmony!

There is no need to label ourselves as a recovered or recovering people pleaser.  It simply does not serve your highest good.  It makes you and all other people pleasers wrong for being who they are… instead of being who they are with the wrong people for them.

Try focusing on the good things about being a people pleaser, find people who appreciate you, and the only thing to stop is repeatedly going to people and relationships that are incapable of reciprocity.

My approach to working with People Pleasers honors them and their skills… and creates strategies on ways to interact with and give to people who are not.  I am tired of being made wrong and being criticized for being a people pleaser.    

People pleaser is another label that indicates something is or was wrong with us.  Words matter.  Words have meaning.  Words have energy.  Words harm, heal, or inspire.  Words live a long life.

If more people have these qualities… that People Pleasers naturally have, I feel the world at home and work would be more harmonious and we’d be solving all the world’s problems… collaboratively.

The events of the last four years in the United States have confirmed that we need more of these people pleasing qualities in the world… because we have seen what squashing them away, dismissing them, or making those of us who have them change to fit the conformed norms in organizations has done.  It took at least three generations to realize the damage.  

I invite you to honor your people pleasing skills and be more selective by choosing people who are deserving of receiving them… those who nurture and support you in reciprocity. 

Listen to my podcast about the 9 ways you’ve been trained to be a People Pleaser,
learn how the term people pleaser was created, and realize that being a people pleaser is not wrong

Click the play button to listen to the podcast.

Be sure to scroll down this page so you don’t miss the video and free offers.

Listen to “Ep. 23 9 Ways You’ve Been Trained to Be a People Pleaser + Origination of the Term” on Spreaker.

Being A People Pleaser Is Not Wrong - Dr. Dar Hawks
Being Vulnerable and What It Really Means – It’s Not What You Think!

Being Vulnerable and What It Really Means – It’s Not What You Think!

I Invite You To Stop Being Vulnerable

Today we are talking about: Vulnerability, Being Vulnerable and What it really means.

Plus an invitation to stop being vulnerable, start being invulnerable, connect with the energy and power of self-love and promoting it in your own life.

Be Vulnerable With Dr. Dar

I believe that words have immense power and that power can be healthy and whole or can do damage to ourselves and others.

For my entire life, I have bristled when I hear someone of high regard in the world teach and promote vulnerability.  I now understand why.

You see, I was brought up in a culture where women have their defined and expected role in the home, in a world where women are still disempowered by others, in a world where women are hurt, pained, attacked, abused, wounded, treated less than whole and worthy.  I am standing for self-love, understanding, compassion, open-mindedness,

Opening ourselves up to love and be loved can be one of the most difficult things to do in a world that is more connected than it has ever been and simultaneously more isolated than ever… because we were taught to be vulnerable.  Vulnerability and love are opposing forces.

Learn more in the podcast. Click the yellow play button now.

Listen to “Ep.6 – Being Vulnerable and What It Really Means – It’s Not What You Think!” on Spreaker.

Reevaluate Your Friendships with these 12 Empowering Questions for People Pleasers

Reevaluate Your Friendships with these 12 Empowering Questions for People Pleasers

t is Difficult to Reevaluate Your Friendships for Kind, Generous, and Giving People Pleasers

It is challenging to reevaluate your friendships as someone who cares deeply about others, especially our friends and loved ones.  When things change in the relationship, we, the people pleasers, sense when it happened in excruciating detail… tp the point of wondering what we did wrong, or what we could have done differently.

I have found that as I grow and mature, so do my friendships.  That means that friends come into my life and move on so that others can find their way into my life.

As someone who cares deeply about what others think, feel, receive, and experience… a.k.a. a balanced and healthy people pleaser… I used to over analyze my relationships and things that would happen in those relationships.  

And… if a relationship got toxic, confrontational, or disagreements arose… I would have never ending questions about it… followed by criticizing and doubting myself.

I learned that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing… as long as I did not continue over analyzing, beating myself up, or looking for where I was wrong.

Here are 12 questions to help you reevaluate your friendships today.

Re-Evaluating Your Friendships

Instead of leaving this to ‘chance’, I decided to create an intention around my friendship environment.  I sat down and wrote down, with much contemplation, my response to the following questions:

  1. What does friendship mean to me now?
  2. What is no longer aligned with my highest good in this friendship?
  3. What do I want to attract in my friendships now?
  4. What have I not liked or has not been healthy for me in current or prior friendships?
  5. What have I liked or was healthy for me in current or prior friendships?
  6. What do I want in my Friendships now?
  7. What am I willing to be and to give as a friend?
  8. What am I willing to receive in my friendships?
  9. What are my current requirements and values?
  10. Are my requirements and values aligned with those of my friends?
  11. What qualities and values do my friends that naturally bring out the best in me have?
  12. What qualities do my friends have that allow me (and us) to feel comfortable, safe, and open to being true to myself?

The resulting clarity I received by taking a few moments out of my busy life to answer these important questions naturally led to me attracting more of what I want, what is healthy for me, and what has me thrive instead of that which sucked me dry (blunt but true).  I stopped blaming, criticizing, shaming, and making myself wrong because I could clearly see that the relationship had formed an imbalance of mutual fit… and that it was not personal. 

Sure things were done or said that ignited the coming of the end… of that relationship… but it was for good reason… our highest good.  But, it is hard to remember that things happen for a reason… and usually for our own good… even though it feels utterly traumatic, hurtful, and gut wrenching when we are going through a breakup.

When we love someone, or like someone, we commit to them… and we think we have the same commitment.  But do we ever really talk about that commitment upfront or talk about our requirements in our friendships.  It would be weird to do that up front, right?! 

But when things are not going well, that’s when we start thinking through things and having the tough conversations.  Or we just wait it out and avoid the issue until it naturally ends.  Neither approach to me is wrong… as long as you are not experiencing pain or harm in the process. 

I want to remind you that you are here to be in joy and to love your life, and for you and your friends to be a valuable, expanding, and loving contribution to each other.

I invite you to take the feel good superpower quiz to get a practical way to make sense of relationships that ended… you will feel calmer and have peace of mind… the superpower formula will help remove the worry, anxiety, anger, or concern because you will understand why your relationships get out of alignment in an easy to understand way without over analyzing or complex scientific or psychological approaches.

 

Love Your Ego, Instead of Criticizing or Blaming It with Disdain

Love Your Ego, Instead of Criticizing or Blaming It with Disdain

I am seeing the word ego being thrown around with disdain, blame, complain, pain, and even hatred.

Gone are the days of dishonoring our ego.

It is here to be loved and nurtured. It is here to partner with the rest of our being-ness to assist and guide us.

It is no longer here to be triggered, pushed, coerced, and hated.

I invite you to re-integrate and bring your ego into your being to partner with it. It is connected to your self-identity, self-appreciation, self-worth, as well as your will and determination, energetically.

Call in the Feel Good Superpower of Love and Belonging to assist you with your re-integration as your Ego is in dire need of love and belonging.

If you don’t know what the feel GoodSuperpowers are, take the quiz at https://SuperpowerQuiz.me

Time to love your ego while letting go of the negaholic attitude and beliefs about your ego. What others do with theirs, is their business, not yours.Love Your Ego Add Ingredients Dr. Dar Hawks I Love My Ego

#DrDar #FeelGood

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Finding meaning in Life with Symbols – Butterfly, Dreamcatcher, and Choice

Finding meaning in Life with Symbols – Butterfly, Dreamcatcher, and Choice

Finding Meaning in Life with Symbols

Brings inner calm, validation, and peace of mind

Let’s focus on the Butterfly,
Dreamcatcher, and Choice 

Signs, signs, everywhere there are signs… are you paying attention so that you succeed in finding meaning in life with symbols?

Human beings love to make meaning out of anything and everything in their lives.  We over-analyze, interpret, assume, and create and live out our stories. Let’s talk about meaning in life with symbols and I’ll share why I chose the butterfly for my logo and the dreamcatcher for my branding.

Symbols – as humans we seem to be wired to find meaning in everything in our lives.  I find that nature, images, signs, and shapes bring us meaningful expression and grounding in times of need.  Symbols are a way for us to understand ourselves, our wants, needs, and dreams.  They are used in literature, television, movies, advertising… really everywhere once you open your heart and mind to see them.

The symbols for my logo is The Butterfly and I started out using The Dreamcatcher… but changed it this year as I wanted to make a conscious, honoring, choice about cultural appropriation.

Here’s my butterfly and finding meaning with symbols story:

My husband and I went to Aruba many years ago.  There was a butterfly farm tucked away on a side road that we visited.  It was a magical and mystical experience.  I was enamored by the beauty of these creatures, their lives, and their meaning. 

While there as I was walking through the farm, a visibly imperfect beautiful blue morpho butterfly landed on the center of my lower back and remained there for about two hours. 

I allowed it gratefully to bless and be with me for the time I was there.  

Dars Blue Morpho 1

I have never forgotten this butterfly.  I was asking it what it was there to tell me… and I heard nothing other than be patient, be calm, and wait.  It will come…  When the butterfly was complete (my words) it flew off into a tree.

And now that I write this, this butterfly was there to tell me to own my beauty, to feel good about myself, my life, body, work, and relationships.  I hear it loudly now. 

Dars Hitchhiker 3

I have since learned that waiting is an empowering emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual space to be… and live in.  Sure, I still get frustrated and try to push what I want at times… then I remember the butterfly. 

I too have been caught up in the societal culture and norms of rush, get things done, achieve more and be more.  It is exhausting.  Today, I believe the butterfly was warning me to shift to this state of calm, wait, patient… I also believe it was here to tell me that I do help make dreams come true through practical transformation and change in my work as a life and business coach.

There are a lot of views and traditions of the meaning of butterfly… I invite you to search on the internet if this interests you.  Here is what I have garnered for the purpose of my life and the Feel Good Superpower Podcast.

A blue butterfly is often considered as a sign of life.  In most cultures, the blue butterfly is a symbol of acceptance, honor, and great energy. A blue butterfly can also symbolize the passing of time, change, and meaningful purpose in life.

Seeing a blue butterfly or holding it can have a calming effect on a person. In some part of the world, blue butterflies are rare, so it is considered extremely lucky to observe one.

The blue butterfly is a symbol of Spirit speaking through transformation and change.

In some cultures, spotting a blue butterfly is thought to bring sudden good luck. Blue butterflies are also considered wish-granters. Spotting a blue butterfly means that a wish one makes or made will come true.  A blue-colored butterfly is often thought to symbolize joy and happiness.

Finding Meaning With Symbols

Given I was using the dream catcher last year in my business as a symbol, I wanted to share the history of it, its origination, and why I chose to stop using it.

History of Dream Catchers

Long ago when the word was sound, an old Lakota spiritual leader was on a high mountain and had a vision. In his vision, Iktomi, the great trickster and searcher of wisdom, appeared in the form of a spider. Iktomi spoke to him in a sacred language. As he spoke, Iktomi the spider picked up the elder’s willow hoop which had feathers, horsehair, beads and offerings on it, and began to spin a web. He spoke to the elder about the cycles of life, how we begin our lives as infants, move on through childhood and on to adulthood. Finally we go to old age where we must be taken care of as infants, completing the cycle.

But, Iktomi said as he continued to spin his web, in each time of life there are many forces, some good and some bad. If you listen to the good forces, they will steer you in the right direction. But, if you listen to the bad forces, they’ll steer you in the wrong direction and may hurt you. So these forces can help, or can interfere with the harmony of Nature. While the spider spoke, he continued to weave his web.

When Iktomi finished speaking, he gave the elder the web and said, The web is a perfect circle with a hole in the center. Use the web to help your people reach their goals, making good use of their ideas, dreams and visions. If you believe in the great spirit, the web will filter your good ideas and the bad ones will be trapped and will not pass.

The elder passed on his vision onto the people and now many Indian people have a dreamcatcher above their bed to sift their dreams and visions. The good will pass through the center hole to the sleeping person. The evil in their dreams are captured in the web, where they perish in the light of the morning sun. It is said the dreamcatcher holds the destiny of the future.

Legend of the Dreamcatcher

Long ago, when the world was young, an old Lakota spiritual leader was on a high mountain. On the mountain, he had a vision. In his vision, Iktomi – the great trickster and teacher of wisdom – appeared in the form of a spider. Iktomi spoke to him in a sacred language. Only spiritual leaders of the Lakota could understand. As Iktomi spoke, he took the elder’s willow hoop – which had feathers, horse hair, beads and offerings on it – and began to spin a web.

He spoke to the elder about the cycles of life and how we begin our lives as infants. We then move on to childhood and into adulthood. Finally, we go to old age where we must be taken care of as infants, thus, completing the cycle.

“But,” Iktomi said as he continued to spin his web, “in each time of life there are many forces – some good and some bad. If you listen to the good forces, they will steer you in the right direction. But, if you listen to the bad forces, they will hurt you and steer you in the wrong direction.”

He continued, “There are many forces and different directions that can help or interfere with the harmony of nature and also with the Great Spirit and all of his wonderful teachings.”

All while the spider spoke, he continued to weave his web … starting from the outside and working toward the center. When Iktomi finished speaking, he gave the Lakota elder the web and said, “See, the web is a perfect circle, but there is a hole in the center of the circle.”

“Use the web to help yourself and your people … to reach your goals and make use of your people’s ideas, dreams and visions. If you believe in the Great Spirit, the web will catch your good ideas, and the bad ones will go through the hole.” (Note: Some bands believe the bad ideas are caught in the web and the good ideas pass through to the individual. Either account is acceptable.)

The Lakota elder passed his vision on to his people. Now, the Sioux use the dreamcatchers as the web of their life. Traditionally, it is hung above their beds or in their homes to sift their dreams and visions. Good dreams are captured in the web of life and carried with them … but the evil dreams escape through the center’s hole and are no longer part of them. (Note: Some bands believe the bad ideas are caught in the web and the good ideas pass through to the individual. Either account is acceptable.)

The Lakota believe the dreamcatcher holds the destiny of their future.   The above is Obtained from historical documents and believed to be public domain.

Why I chose to stop using the Dreamcatcher images and references once I learned about its origination, history, and meaning – My Choice:

  • It did not feel good to use it… as it was not part of my lineage, nor was it gifted to me from any lineage
  • I felt I was dishonoring and disrespecting a culture, tradition, and communities of people, humans, who had been ravaged and treated inhumanely in the past and present times.  I no longer wanted to contribute to that energy.
  • I share about it here to honor and respect it.

Click below to hear my podcast about finding meaning with symbols, the butterfly, and dreamcatcher.

Listen to “Ep.1 – Finding Meaning With Symbols, The Butterfly and the Dreamcatcher, and Choice” on Spreaker.

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