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Invent Your Own Life Meaning as a People Pleaser, Giver, and Conscious Service Provider

Invent Your Own Life Meaning as a People Pleaser, Giver, and Conscious Service Provider

I Invite You To Invent
Your Own Life Meaning as a
People Pleaser, Giver, and Conscious Service Provider

As a fellow people pleaser, giver, and conscious service provider, I used to wonder about the meaning of my life…Life meaning as a people pleaser

My Life Meaning as a People Pleaser would…

Often arise when I was criticized, undervalued, or dismissed at work or felt that way at home…

Or when I was not manifesting or receiving what I wanted to have and experience in my life, work, and relationships. Life meaning as a people pleaser

It’s another way of beating ourselves up… because people pleasers, givers, and conscious service providers hold ourselves to a high standard… an idealistic standard… Life meaning as a people pleaser

It is no longer a question that puts me in a mental tailspin… followed by anxiety… and worry.

I took my queues from Mother Nature… like the bee in this picture. Life meaning as a people pleaser

Inventing your own life’s meaning is not connected with what you do, how you do it, the feedback you get… or criticism… or even what others say or think about you.

It is connected with being… specifically who you are being… Life meaning as a people pleaser

Not what others want you to be or do… Life meaning as a people pleaser

Not for giving all you have to please others… meaning of life as a people pleaser

And… not for doing more… and not leaving time, space or energy for yourself.

And… meaning of life as a people pleaser

It is directly connected with Feeling Good… About yourself, your life, work, and relationships.

This bee is being itself… buzzing around… seeking colorful budding flowers…  Life Meaning

Being joyously drawn to the beauty of this flower… and partaking of it’s bountiful nectar…

Bee Life'S Meaning-Dr. Darhawks - Photo Credit Sandy Miller Unsplash

Today… I Humbly Invite You
To Invent Your Own Life’s Meaning
With One or All of these 3 Steps

Step 1 – Skip all the rocks and go straight to the top rock. 

You see… The Meaning of Your Life… Is Yours to Define… Yours to Choose… 

We were taught that we have to do things one step at a time.  To climb the ladder… any ladder… figurative or real… we had to climb up one rung at a time…

That skipping any rungs on that ladder would result in more splinters on our hands, legs, and feet than if we took each rung… one at a time… and slowly. Meaning of Life

You see… we’ve been taught a logical step by step process in everything in life.  You start as a youngster in kindergarten… step by step going through each grade, each class… in order that the system dictates.  And we continue logically… doing steps in order… in classes, taking tests, following recipes, reading books, doing a project… Meaning of Life

I could go on and on with other examples… Meaning of Life

For people pleasers, givers, and conscious service providers… we’ve learned that following the steps… step by step… will prevent us from mistakes… or worse… getting hurt.

IMAGINE

Skip any row of rocks… even skipping all the way to the top… with Joy and Ease!

It is possible to skip a grade… whether you go to summer school to get ahead… or learn on your own in your spare time and pass the test to skip a grade or class. Meaning of Life

It is possible to improve a recipe by adding an ingredient or mixing the ingredients in a different order than what is dictated on paper. Meaning of Life

Skip To The Top Rock - Drdarhawks- Lifes Meaning - Zdenek-Machacek--Unsplash
Imagine - Ladder - Dr. Dar Hawks - Debby-Hudson-Unsplash

But… the truth is… your soul knows…

Step 2 – You can unlearn what you’ve been taught… 

Unlearn all that does not serve your highest good… or the highest good for others in your life.

You can listen to your voice… your instinct… your intuition… and your wisdom.

To get a jump start on your ‘deconditioning’ and ‘deprogramming process’, I invite you to experience your Body Energy Map.

You will be provided with your own strategy to hear the wisdom of your body, your own body’s way of making highest good decisions, and learn your strategy for unlearning what does not serve your highest good.

Unlearn The Lies We Have Inherited
The-Body-Energy-Map---Dr.-Dar-Hawks---Product-Image

If you’re not ready for step 1 or step 2…

Step 3 – Use this logical, mind oriented unlearning process

It’s called the unlearning curve.

It is a mind focused exercise… not a whole body one… and not an emotional one.

However, your mind, body, and emotions can reveal opportunities for unlearning through this logical mind focused process.

It asks that you write your answers down to get the out of your head and into another form.

I ask that you keep a journal to jot down what surfaces for you to unlearn as you use this unlearning curve process.

Allow this process to help you become comfy with uncertainty, doubt, and not knowing… anything.  It’s a powerful process… to unlearn what no longer serves your highest good.

The-Unlearning-Curve-Framework-

If you’ve made it this far… I have a secret to tell you…

The meaning of your life… is tied to purposeful or intentional or mindful living… and that is to feel good.

Invent Your Own Life Meaning

What if feeling good about yourself is the starter to the fire of meaning in your life?  

And… what if there was a simpler way to begin your unlearning… deconditioning process?

Dailai Lama - Meaning Of Life - Happiness - Drdarhawks

Click the button to take the free Feel Good Superpower Quiz to learn about the 5 Feel Good Superpowers and how to leverage them to have meaning in your life.  They have given me inner calm, meaning, joy, and serenity… and it is my hope they connect you with your joy.

Don’t Call Me Selfish Or Else…  Ep. 25 The Feel Good Superpower Podcast

Don’t Call Me Selfish Or Else… Ep. 25 The Feel Good Superpower Podcast

Don’t Call Me Selfish… Or Else!

Welcome to Episode 25 of the Feel Good Superpower Podcast. I’m Dr. Dar, and it is my joy to help givers, people pleasers and service-oriented women thrive in life, work/business, and relationships. 

Today I’m talking about: 

The word selfish, why it triggers people-pleasers, givers, empaths, emotional, sensitives, and service providers… why we are accused of being selfish, how to overcome it, and what to say to people who call you selfish. 

Hence the appropriate title I gave this podcast is Don’t Call Me Selfish or Else!

Meaning, if you call me selfish, I am going to answer that with a logical, self-honoring response 😊

Click the play button to listen to my podcast about the origins of the word selfish, what it really means, and what to say to someone who calls you selfish.

Listen to “Ep. 25 Don’t Call Me Selfish or Else – Dr. Dar Hawks” on Spreaker.

Don'T Call Me Selfish - Stop Being Selfish - Dr. Dar Hawks

 

First, I want to say that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing. 

I invite you to stop feeling bad about wanting others to be happy or wanting to have a feel good happy world. 

We need more of us in the world… and being the world’s exemplary role models for kindness, generosity, compassion, empathy, caring and giving.

Society cannot teach about altruism, giving, and servant leadership and then on the other side demean people for being that way. 

And, you have a choice whether to accept the label of being a people pleaser as a bad thing… or a good thing.

I believe that:

  • People pleasers make the world a better place.
  • People pleasers think about others through deep empathy, and we care about our world. 
  • Our world would be more loving, kind, and peaceful if people pleasers were not demeaned and instead the focus had been on healing the extreme competitive without consideration for others.

Side note:
The words codependence, narcissism or other mental and emotional health disorders are clinical terms that have now have become mainstream but only medical and mental health professionals are able to diagnose people with these disorders.  People pleasing is not an established medical or psychological disorder either.  Unfortunately, in our societies, these terms are being used frivolously without true understanding or training about what they are and are not. These disorders when a human being mostly operates that way.

Many humans are not selfish 100% of the time. 

Let me say that again, most humans are not selfish 100% of the time.

We all exhibit and have some selfish qualities and moments.  And… that is not a bad thing.  

Why can’t we have a balance of both? 

A harmonic balance of being self-less and selfish? 

Altruistic and selfish? 

Giving and Receiving? 

Self-Care and Giving?

These are all examples of a balance of both selfishness and people pleasing.

We do live in yin and yang world, where we need balance and harmony between the two. When there is an imbalance between self-care and giving, there is disruption, upset, and problems. When there is an imbalance of selfishness and people pleasing, there is an issue.

There has to be both.

There is a Universal Law of Polarity that states everything in the Universe has a dual nature.  That duality appears to be opposites of each other.

Selfishness alone, in its entirety creates an imbalance. 

People pleasing alone, in its entirety creates an imbalance.

But with the laws of polarity and duality, both must be present for harmonic balance.

The problem is that society has created a problem to fix mindset and approach… well in everything that gets created.

Which then creates unhealthy imbalance.

Which then creates more problems to fix.

Which is in and of itself an unhealthy imbalance.

Being selfish alone is unhealthy and results in a focus on self without any consideration for anything other than yourself.

Being selfless and altruistic without being selfish results in focusing on the outside world and giving without any consideration of your own needs and care to the detriment of self.

See what I mean.  We need a healthy balance of both. 

There can be a harmonic balance between self-care, selfishness… and giving. 

I call it reciprocity.  

Core Value People Pleasers Must Have - Fb - Dr. Dar Hawks

Click the play button to listen to my podcast about the origins of the word selfish, what it really means, and what to say to someone who calls you selfish.

Listen to “Ep. 25 Don’t Call Me Selfish or Else – Dr. Dar Hawks” on Spreaker.

The #1 way to tell if you’re around givers and people pleasers is to start talking about how someone was being selfish or how someone called you selfish.  You will start a rant fest.  

We get triggered by it because we are such givers, and we’re always thinking about others and their perspectives and feelings.  It’s hard to comprehend how we can be called selfish as the givers of the world.

If we’re called selfish, oh my… does that create a churn of not feel good in us.

I want to share the origins of the word Selfish with you first.  Ready for a huge mindset shift?

The word was allegedly coined in the 17th century in a publication called Hacket’s Life of Archbishop Williams (circa 1693) in England. The timing of the creation of the word selfish is suspect to me as it happened in the midst of the patriarchy.  Not a healthy and harmonic balance between patriarchy and matriarchy.

This notion of human beings being one thing or another thing has created a robust medical, mental, and pharma industry to solve problems in humans… all created by not having a harmonic balance of duality or polarity.

That is another rant I could go on… I’ll stay focused on the word selfish for now.

I find it interesting the word selfish shows up in various religious contexts which made it mainstream… which I am not going to go into here either. 

In 1864, Charles Darwin coined the term ‘survival of the fittest’ from his observations in nature.  His observation was that only the strong or fittest survive.

Unfortunately, this survival of the fittest theory  started being applied to humans which created an unhealthy competitive environment in business and at home.  Lacking in the harmonic balance between competitiveness and collaboration.  Again, it had to be one or the other… and not a harmonic balance of both.  

Survival Of Fittest - Selfish - Selfless - Drdarhawks-Sharon-Mccutcheon-Unsplash

Being in unhealthy survival mode instead of thriving as a human is selfish (it has to be) because we’re doing all we can to make it one more day for food, shelter, safety, our family, etc.  Once we get out of survival mode, we shift into that giving space once again.

You are not a problem to be fixed. You are a delightful soul and human being.

The other thing I found interesting during my research on the word selfish and its origins… is it is riddled with masculine energy for those who have written and spoken about it… and not in a good way. 

Healthy selfishness is about self care, self appreciation, self esteem and self love… and taking care of your needs and requirements in your life, work, and relationships, but not primarily or constantly or consistently.

Unhealthy selfishness is only caring about yourself without consideration of others, lacking empathy, compassion, kindness, and care for others primarily or constantly. 

With the law of polarity, selfishness and people pleasing – put the 2 together, and you get a healthy functioning human.  You ensure you are self-caring and you also are a giver and people pleaser in a healthy harmonic balance. 

But… because the materialistic world needs problems to be fixed for profit… the focus becomes on just one or the other which creates a whole industry of solutions for profit.  But what results is more damaging with the labels that don’t consider the whole person, just some behaviors they exhibit at times or frequently. 

When we call someone selfish – are we saying they are 100% selfish?

No, we’re not.  We’re saying their choice or behavior in one specific situation or example is selfish. 

So let’s be honoring of that – with our words… instead of making grandiose claims about the whole being of a person, point to the example or situation… and say I think that is a selfish way of looking at it or behaving or thinking.

Also…

We’re taught to be altruistic and think about others… their family, community, etc. in their lives when we’re very young.  And when we don’t look out for our fellow student or sibling or do what our parents tell us to… we can be called selfish.  It is a damaging label and accusation.

But are they 100% selfish 100% of the time.

No.

And the bottom line… is this… those accusations are lobbed because at the core of the issue are 3 things:

  • We are not wired the same way – we don’t think, act, feel, and behave exactly the same way or see the situation the same way – each person in the relationship is a unique being… and each person has free will to choose. Those differences create misunderstanding. Consequently, if one person cannot accept that another does not see or do it the way they see and do it, then it is considered selfish 
  • Wanting another person to do what you say or want or demand
  • Wanting to control what another person does or says to benefit themselves solely

Let me be clear… when you are called selfish and you are a giver, people pleaser, helper, or service oriented, it usually means that you’re not doing what that person wants… you are not serving their needs or requests or demands. That is when the giving and taking relationship becomes manipulative or controlling.  The harmonic balance is unsettled.

Let’s call it for what it is… people who call other people selfish are not getting what they want, demand, or request from that person.  That’s what it is about.

When we look at human behavior regardless of the year or generation, once a human is in survival mode, it is self-preservation mode.  And it is designed to be self-focused. 

We have to know and be clear about our own needs so that we can manage and handle them.

I also want to point out that…

When a people pleaser or giver accuses someone of being selfish… it’s because we don’t understand why that person cannot see, think, feel or do what we would do… the kind, compassionate, feeling rich, honoring, and caring thing.  We get triggered when others don’t do what we would do to be kind or compassionate to others. We set ourselves up for an upset… because many people are not givers, helpers, or people pleasers 100% of the time… and we all express giving in our unique ways…

Which creates problems to be fixed.  And that cycle goes on and on.

Here’s what unbounded spirit says about the anthropological roots of selfishness: “Looking at “Before the Neolithic Revolution — that is, the wide-scale transition of many human cultures from a lifestyle of hunting and gathering to one of agriculture and settlement that took place some 12,000 years ago — humans lived mostly in nomadic, hunter-gatherer groups of up to 150 members.

Back then, the world was sparsely populated, food was abundant… it seems unlikely that they would fight against each other for resources, or for any other reason really. …this doesn’t mean that they never did fight, but it does suggest that, generally speaking, they peacefully coexisted, without the need for competition and organized violence. The case that prehistoric humans lived mostly at peace is also supported by anthropological research. Anthropologists who lived with and studied closely some of the world’s few remaining “immediate-return” hunter-gatherer groups — meaning, groups that don’t store food, but consume it soon after obtaining it, as prehistoric humans did — have found them to be highly egalitarian.

Such groups don’t accumulate property or possessions, they share resources, and have no hierarchical power structure. In such a social environment, humans don’t feel the need or desire to compete against or oppress each other. And when they do — which does happen, albeit rarely — the rest of the group fights against them or ostracizes them. As you might imagine, this defense mechanism makes it even less likely that someone would want to compete against or oppress other members of the group, for doing so would mean risking their very life.  

It doesn’t make sense that selfishness would have given humans an evolutionary advantage. Quite the contrary, altruism would. Helping, collaborating and sharing resources seems to have been the best way to keep oneself alive and safe. So, if that’s the case, then what could explain for the selfishness that pervades modern society? Well, to answer this question, we need to go back in time again and look at the conditions that turned humans selfish. As humans were settling in agricultural societies, they gradually started to behave very differently compared to hunter-gatherers. They began to privately own land (which, by the way, was inconceivable to hunter-gatherers, who saw the land as a sacred gift of nature to be shared by all), as well as animals and other resources. This, as you can understand, led to social and economic disparities between humans. Resources weren’t enough for everyone anymore, as they used to be until that point in time. Naturally, thrown into an increasing environment of scarcity, humans felt more and more compelled to act selfishly in order to survive and gain a competitive advantage.

Fast-forward a few thousand years and the same competitive ethic exists to this day — and arguably more than ever before. Modern humans — that is, humans like me and you — live in conditions of scarcity, where nearly everyone is forced to compete for money and resources. In this world, we’re taught from a very young age that there are winners and losers — and that if we want to be on the winners’ side, we need to be very competitive. Only this way, we’re conditioned to believe, can we find success in life. Add to this our materialistic culture wherein people are judged based on their possessions, and it becomes crystal clear why humans today behave mostly in selfish ways.

Of course, that doesn’t mean humans are inherently selfish, since as we’ve seen, for nearly the entire span of human history they had been mostly altruistic. Human nature is extremely malleable, and the environmental conditions humans live in largely shape how it’s expressed. Place people in a competitive environment, and they’ll most likely act selfishly. Place them in a collaborative one, and they’ll most likely act altruistically. Put differently, within each human lie two potential psychological aspects — a “selfish” and an “altruistic” one — and the side that becomes manifested is the one we cultivate through the environment we live in. It is in our hands, therefore, to design a social environment that helps us to develop the behavioral traits we want to see in ourselves and others, rather than those we don’t want.”

For me… the bottom line… the core issue… the core concern… is a lack of self-love, self-appreciation, and self-awareness in addition to scarcity mindsets that get generated in a world of competitiveness.  Creating problems to fix with products and services for profit.

Scott Barry Kaufman says this in his article on the taboo of selfishness: “Unhealthy selfishness is motivated by neuroticism and greed. For this person, his needs are insatiable, and he rarely receives any long-lasting satisfaction. When we look closely at people who are motivated by unhealthy selfishness, we see that that they do not really love themselves deep down, that that they do not have inner security and affirmation… the person with this form of selfishness is only interested in oneself, wants everything for oneself, is unable to give with any pleasure but is only anxious to take; the world outside himself is conceived only from the standpoint of what he can get out of it; he lacks interest in the needs of others, or respect for their dignity and integrity. He sees only himself, judges everyone and everything from the standpoint of its usefulness to him, is basically unable to love.

In today’s society, we are seriously lacking in self-love. If we want more peace, we need to think more seriously about creating the conditions that allow people to develop their unique intellectual, creative, and emotional capacities, the freedom to assert the totality of their being, and the opportunities to satisfy their basic needs. This will lead to a reduction in hatred, and a reduction in the drive to destruction– both to self and others.”

Words Have Power - Dr. Dar Hawks

 Let’s unpack the word selfish now:

The word self means the set of someone’s characteristics such as personality and that are not physical and make that person different from other people.

Now let’s look at what the prefix ish means: -ish is a suffix that is used to and nouns that indicate what country or area a  thing, or language comes from… like the words Spanish or English.  It is also used to form adjectives that say what a person thing, or action is like such as the words foolish or childish.  And it is used to form adjectives to give the meaning to some degree … we use it when we’re uncertain of an exact measure, degree or quantity…

We say 6ish to indicate a flexible time of day. 

Or oldish if we don’t know the person’s age exactly. Or Feverish if someone’s forehead or cheek feels warm but we don’t know the exact temperature.

Now let’s put the words self and ish together using what we’ve learned about the 2 words separately:

Given the word self means the set of someone’s characteristics, such as personality and that are not physical and make that different from other people. And ish is a suffix we add to words to create an adjective to describe what a person is like…

Then technically selfish means:

The person being called selfish is being different from the other person who is calling them selfish.

That is all selfish frigging means.

This word was created in the midst of religiousness, industrialism, and patriarchy… a world requiring conformity… and resulting in punishment or suffering if you were different.

Now, as promised, here’s what I suggest you say to someone who calls you selfish:

Thank you for noticing. I want you to know that I hear you call me selfish about this specific situation.

Then go into… I understand what you’re asking or wanting right now. However, I am unable to commit to that at this time.  (you don’t have to explain why, even if they ask why)

Instead ask this question:

What are some ways you can address getting that handled without my involvement for now?

You could also say this if they push wanting to know why you are not saying yes.

I am choosing what’s best for this situation for myself and ultimately it will be for you too.  I know it is not exactly what you prefer or want.  And what you want or are asking is out of alignment for what I want/need to do right now.

My final thought is this…

Words have meaning and energy.  They can be weapons of destruction or creation.  I invite you to be honoring of these words going forward… and educate people in your life about the word selfish.

Please share this podcast and blog post with them.

Oh and take my feel-good quiz because it’s all about the 5 ways humans interact with each other… and why conflicts happen when they interact.

Here is my disclaimer to be in integrity with my use of the clinical words:
What I am sharing here is not a replacement for licensed professionals.  As an Intuitive/Sensate Life, Relationship and Business Coach, I am not providing health care, medical or nutritional therapy services, or attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any physical, mental or emotional issue, disease or condition. The information provided in my podcast pertaining to any aspect of your life is not intended to be a substitute for the professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by your own Medical Provider, Clergy or Mental Health Provider.

Click the play button to listen to my podcast about the origins of the word selfish, what it really means, and what to say to someone who calls you selfish.

Listen to “Ep. 25 Don’t Call Me Selfish or Else – Dr. Dar Hawks” on Spreaker.

5 Ways to Support Healthy People Pleasers, Givers, and Helpers – Lessons from Nature’s Elephant Wisdom

5 Ways to Support Healthy People Pleasers, Givers, and Helpers – Lessons from Nature’s Elephant Wisdom

5 Ways to Support Healthy People Pleasers, Givers,
and Helpers

There is nothing like feeling and knowing without any doubt that you
have a community, friends boss, or family member who has your back, totally and completely.

Many of us have experienced the opposite. 

Backstabbing at home, in friendships, and at work. 

It’s unfortunate that many women have learned how to survive in a man’s world by competing, holding back, stepping on, disrespecting, and dishonoring in order to elevate themselves… to shine in the eyes of the men who lead.  And those of us who are givers, helpers, service-oriented, and healthy people pleasers are the ones who have suffered their wrathful competitiveness and betrayals.

On behalf of women, I am sorry for what women have done to you that dishonored you in any way… in words and deeds.

Today, I want us to reorient ourselves… our energy… towards being mentally clear about what support looks like to us. 

As a healthy people pleaser, giver, helper and service-oriented person… I can tell you that my clarity about my own requirements, needs, values, and principles that are non-negotiable helped me ask for what I need in my relationships… and those that were out of alignment with my requirements, needs, values, and principles… did not stick around.

That just made room for new honoring and supportive relationships.

There is nothing as immense as saying and showing you have our back.  It is fuel to us – that motivates, inspires, and gives us energy to keep on being who we are, showing up for you, and making a difference to others.

Here are 10 ways to say and show your support and unconditional love for the healthy people pleasers in your life:

  1. Ask them what their Love Language is and then speak their language.  For example:  my love language is Words of Affirmation… noticing the things I do that makes a difference to you, and letting me know you appreciate those things, the skills and qualities that it took to do those things, and why it makes a difference to you… makes my heart and soul beam brighter than the rays of the sun.

    It sounds like a mouthful, but really it takes less than 1 minute to say this to them.  Looking for opportunities of contribution instead of criticism is larger than any store bought gift you can buy.

  2. Once you notice the things they do for you, that make a difference to you… do that thing for them that week.  For example:  one week my husband was sleeping in.  He had been traveling for several weeks and was exhausted.  It is not like him to not take the trash and recycling out in the morning the day the pickup is scheduled.  I did not want to wake him up… so I emptied all the trash cans inside the house… quietly.  I separated out the recycling… the way he does it… cleaning the jars and lids, separating out what’s recyclable and what’s not… honoring the people who pick it up and their jobs.  He woke up around 1:30 in the afternoon.  For some reason he chose to look out the window into the front yard… and saw the trash and recycling cans outside.  He came into the kitchen and said how did they get there.  LOL!  The trash and recycling fairies visited us.  It gets even better… he went out and looked in the cans… and was gobsmacked at how it was all organized in thoughtful consideration for the people who pick it up and their jobs.
  3. Spend quality time with them… not busy time… just being with each other time.  Those silent moments sitting on the porch, sipping your favorite cuppa is priceless… not awkward.  In those silent moments, you’ll come up with things to do that is valuable to both of you.  Nothing can replace these moments of truly being with each other… soul to soul.
  4. Notice their favorite meals or drinks… their favorite places to visit… their favorite self care places… and buy 2… share the gift with them and the date you’ll be joining them to enjoy it together.
  5. Have their back!  In words and actions. They will protect and have your back… even to the point of sacrificing themselves if they have to… that is love for them.  So, always have their back and be protective of them.  This is the epitome of trust.  Trusting each other with your hearts, minds, bodies, and soul… without question… and knowing you have each others backs… this is more precious, elevating and meaningful to us than money or store bought gifts.

These all require paying attention to the person and their daily joys and struggles.  It requires not solving anything.  And it requires giving from a place of honoring them… instead of what you think will help.

Which brings me to the picture of the Elephant Community… it is a beautiful example from Mother Nature about how women must support each other… we are natural healthy people pleasers, givers, helpers, and service oriented… so let’s be of service to each other by honoring, supporting, promoting, and elevating each other.

10 Ways To Support Healthy People Pleasers, Givers, And Helpers - Dr. Dar Hawks

My friend, Betz McKeown, posted this on the book recently:

Elephants are mystical, intelligent, sentient beings. We humans can learn so much from them. Here, in their sovereignty, the feminine stress response: not ‘fight or flight,’ but ‘tend and befriend.’ Sacred feminine energy is what will save the world. 🙏🏼❤️🌹

It’s about female elephants. You know, as all good stories begin. See, in the wild, when a mama elephant is giving birth, all the other female elephants in the herd back around her in formation. They close ranks so that the delivering mama cannot even be seen in the middle. They stomp and kick up dirt and soil to throw attackers off the scent and basically act like a pack of badasses.

 

They surround the mama and incoming baby in protection, sending a clear signal to predators that if they want to attack their friend while she is vulnerable, they’ll have to get through 40 tons of female aggression first.

 

When the baby elephant is delivered, the sister elephants do two things: they kick sand or dirt over the newborn to protect its fragile skin from the sun, and then they all start trumpeting, a female celebration of new life, of sisterhood, of something beautiful being born in a harsh, wild world despite enemies and attackers and predators and odds.

 

Scientists tell us this: They normally take this formation in only two cases – under attack by predators like lions, or during the birth of a new elephant.

 

This is what we do, girls. When our sisters are vulnerable, when they are giving birth to new life, new ideas, new ministries, new spaces, when they are under attack, when they need their people to surround them so they can create, deliver, heal, recover…we get in formation. We close ranks and literally have each others’ backs. You want to mess with our sis? Come through us first. Good luck.

 

And when delivery comes, when new life makes its entrance, when healing finally begins, when the night has passed and our sister is ready to rise back up, we sound our trumpets because we saw it through together. We celebrate! We cheer! We raise our glasses and give thanks.
Maybe you need this too. If you are closing ranks around a vulnerable sister, or if your girls have you surrounded while you are tender, this is how we do it.

 

There is no community like a community of women. <I would add: and the men who honor, respect, support and promote them.

 

-Jen Hatmaker

Photo credit: David Yarrow Photography
Gratitude credit:  Thank you Betz for the inspiration to write this.

This is my call and invitation for women to “Tend and Befriend” each other.

The #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have

The #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have

The #1 Core Value
People Pleasers Must Have to Thrive in all Relationships

 There is a #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have & it is not about boundaries or doing anything against your innate nature. It is honoring, respectful, and significant.

First, I want to say that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing.  You’re going to see me write and hear me say this over… and over… and over again.

Because… I don’t want us to beat ourselves up for caring about others… for being givers… for being emotional… sensitive… or helpful.

The shame, blame, and you are wrong game just does not work for us people pleasers who love to give to others and are motivated by doing so.

Shame Blame Sad Contemplating Woman - Dr. Dar Hawks

There is a #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have & it is not about boundaries or doing anything against your innate nature. It is honoring, respectful, and significant.

First, I want to say that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing.  You’re going to see me write and hear me say this over… and over… and over again.

Because… I don’t want us to beat ourselves up for caring about others… for being givers… for being emotional… sensitive… or helpful.

The shame, blame, and you are wrong game just does not work for us people pleasers who love to give to others and are motivated by doing so.

Sure you and I have some issues in some relationships where we give to selfish takers and have received nothing from that giving… and dare I say… we hold out hope they will give at some point in the future. 

You see…

I know how this feels…

I felt challenged and went into intentional survival mode in school and at work, because I was not the highly competitive type but the collaborative and accommodating type.  It’s difficult to collaborate when people just want to compete… and not collaborate.

It did not matter how obvious it was that I got more done individually and as a team because I was and am a collaborator, inclusive of everyone on the team, and genuinely care what people are thinking about and their approaches to the project or job.

Competitiveness breeds division, comparing, judgment, criticism, and other things that just don’t feel good to us people pleasers.  It creates division at home and at work… competing for grades, the promotion at work, or for parental approval are just some examples of how we’re pitted against each other… instead of for each other and the greater good. 

We’re peacemakers, negotiators, helpers, collaborators, and team-spirited ones. We’re the optimists and believers in the greater good of our community and each other.

But…

Unfortunately, the world is built on a problem to fix mentality.  You are not a problem to fix… neither am I.  

As long as this is perpetuated, we continue a spiral of healing seeking… and we continue to attract people who will certainly help us learn… the hard way that is…   

Enough of that… I say!

Rather than berate myself for being a generous, wise, and giving people pleaser… today, I pay attention to what people in my life say and do… and if they are out of alignment with my core values… then I do what I call a relationship reset.

I used to get burned out, exhaust myself, and give way too much.  Especially when dating… oh my gosh – doing things for my dates after we got to the 5th date to show them how special they are… ugh.

relationship reset requires:

  1. Acknowledging when I am giving too much
  2. Being self-aware so that I honor myself and my needs… and am aware when I am not
  3. Having honoring, kind and calm conversations to seek and restore balance when faced with people who do not reciprocate
  4. Being ready to limit my exposure to them if they continue taking in lieu of having a balance where we both give and receive in a divine dance
  5. Not feeling bad about myself or the other person
  6. Accepting it for what it is… we are out of alignment… and that is ok.  There is nothing wrong. There is nothing to fix.

There was a time when I found myself having to do relationship resets a few times a month with various people in my life.  I would escape into my mental and emotional womb like cave of comfort. (Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash)

Womb Cave Of Comfort For People Pleasers - Dr. Dar Hawks

I realized, there was more for me to do to shift the energy of attracting takers… more to do to embrace the energy of mutual giving and receiving in a dance much like the Infinity Symbol.

The #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have to Thrive in all their relationships…

I wanted a word to represent a balance of giving and receiving… as a feeling and sensing… not a tit for tat metric.

BAM!  I found the word Reciprocal.  Then Reciprocity.

I am a fan of looking up the meanings and origination of word… and today I used the Cambridge English Dictionary.

Reciprocal is a reciprocal action or arrangement involves two people or groups of people who behave in the same way or agree to help each other and give each other advantages. Reciprocity is behavior in which 2 people or groups of people give each other help and advantages.

I also found this on Huffington post to help explain how reciprocity can be learned… why some have it and others don’t: The rules of reciprocity are something that can be learned from culture, upbringing, experience or influence, or maybe they’re just something you’re born knowing.

So…

I took on Reciprocity… as a foundational value and principle in my life.

Everything… and I mean everything… is for mutual benefit in my relationships.  And that is NOT being selfish.  It’s being honoring of them… and me!

The day I stopped attracting selfish, manipulative and charming takers was the day I added this one ingredient into my life… into my value system… to the core of my being.

Then… any boundaries I had to put in place previously, were not necessary any longer.  I learned that sharing my values with everyone early on in the relationship informed them of how I roll… and we would know right then if we were aligned… or not.  If they resonate with my values, and I with theirs… it’s a calm go.  If not… it’s a wait and see but I am not diving in yet.  And… reciprocity has to be present otherwise I know I am going into the relationship with an uneven balance of energy exchange.  My history has provided enough experiences to know that if I sacrifice reciprocity, it never turns out well… and I am the one who ends up suffering.

I Choose Reciprocity as My #1 Core Value
as a People Pleaser

Yin Yang Icon - #1 Core Value For People Pleasers- Dr. Dar Hawks - Trans

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Listen to “Ep. 23 9 Ways You've Been Trained to Be a People Pleaser + Origination of the Term” on Spreaker.

Being a People Pleaser is not wrong or bad

Being a People Pleaser is not wrong or bad

Being a People Pleaser is not Wrong or Bad

Googling the words people pleaser was disheartening. My heart sunk by seeing so much negativity being propagated by well meaning individuals.  Sure I understand it’s a way to understand ourselves and why we’re taken advantage of or exploited. 

But my gosh, does every post have to be about ‘stop being a people pleaser’? Come on… let’s shift this narrative.

There are many of us who are healthy functioning humans who love giving and helping others.  We’re not completely downtrodden by everyone in our life.  We have some feel good relationships and may have a few that are in need of letting go of or a relationship reset.

Being a people pleaser is not wrong.  Being a people pleaser to the wrong people is wrong.

Being a people pleaser is not wrong or a bad thing.  I am exhausted from hearing, reading, and seeing all the negativity launched at people pleasers.  Let’s focus our attention and energy on helping and healing the takers, narcissists, manipulators, liars, and cheats… instead of giving them a pass… alas I am starting a rant here.

I invite you to stop feeling bad about wanting others to be happy or wanting to have a feel good happy world… or even about being a people pleaser.  Shaming you or blaming you for being a people pleaser and someone who is too nice, too kind, a pushover, or worse creates unnecessary mental and emotional trauma.  The only things that we as people pleasers need to add to our skill set is self-care, self-nurture, and no longer seeing the potential in others who are incapable of giving anything back to us… stop giving to complete takers. 

And let’s be honest, we can’t completely change our nature and love of giving to others but we can add in receiving so that we are given to as well…. We can promote ourselves to being a giver and receiver, in a balanced dance of harmony!

There is no need to label ourselves as a recovered or recovering people pleaser.  It simply does not serve your highest good.  It makes you and all other people pleasers wrong for being who they are… instead of being who they are with the wrong people for them.

Try focusing on the good things about being a people pleaser, find people who appreciate you, and the only thing to stop is repeatedly going to people and relationships that are incapable of reciprocity.

My approach to working with People Pleasers honors them and their skills… and creates strategies on ways to interact with and give to people who are not.  I am tired of being made wrong and being criticized for being a people pleaser.    

People pleaser is another label that indicates something is or was wrong with us.  Words matter.  Words have meaning.  Words have energy.  Words harm, heal, or inspire.  Words live a long life.

If more people have these qualities… that People Pleasers naturally have, I feel the world at home and work would be more harmonious and we’d be solving all the world’s problems… collaboratively.

The events of the last four years in the United States have confirmed that we need more of these people pleasing qualities in the world… because we have seen what squashing them away, dismissing them, or making those of us who have them change to fit the conformed norms in organizations has done.  It took at least three generations to realize the damage.  

I invite you to honor your people pleasing skills and be more selective by choosing people who are deserving of receiving them… those who nurture and support you in reciprocity. 

Listen to my podcast about the 9 ways you’ve been trained to be a People Pleaser,
learn how the term people pleaser was created, and realize that being a people pleaser is not wrong

Click the play button to listen to the podcast.

Be sure to scroll down this page so you don’t miss the video and free offers.

Listen to “Ep. 23 9 Ways You’ve Been Trained to Be a People Pleaser + Origination of the Term” on Spreaker.

Being A People Pleaser Is Not Wrong - Dr. Dar Hawks
People Pleasers Want to Feel Good - Take the Feel Good Superpower Quiz