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Hoarding Food is a Thing – How I Transformed My Relationship with Packing My Fridge to the Gills

Hoarding Food is a Thing – How I Transformed My Relationship with Packing My Fridge to the Gills

Hoarding Food Is  A Thing

Food Hoarding Is A Thing - Dr. Dar Hawks

It has been interesting to experience using up everything in my fridge and freezer (including my freezer in the garage).

Feeling comfy with an empty fridge was a healing process I never anticipated. You see, I love preparing meals for my family. It is a passion as a giver and service provider. I have a gift for being able to whip up something delish in a jiffy…as long as I have ingredients on hand.

A gift I attribute to my mom who is an incredible cook…

I am salivating just contemplating her foods.

Here’s what I have learned:

Hoarding food is a thing

The reality is running out of food is scary and suffocating.  Food hoarding happens to be one of seven types of hoarding and is connected to emotional wellness… or lack thereof.

    1. I had to feel those feels to recognize how that fear was old programming perhaps even generational and societal… I had to feel the fear of not having food, of being uncomfortable with empty space in my freezer and fridge, and feeling the intense need for food hoarding, to get to the recognition and acceptance that I am blessed to live near grocery stores and can purchase anything I need at any time… During grocery open hours.
    2. I can see working with limited ingredients as an adventure… And expansion and exploration of culinary creativity… and maybe this will expand my artistic pursuits (I’ve recently taken up painting with acrylics, mixed media, and doodling).
    3. Having an empty fridge and freezer gives me space to breathe if I allow it. Instead of fear and suffocation of a cramped space or fear of having empty space. As an asthmatic, this is a huge awareness.
    4. My fridge and freezer will look like new when they get unpacked in our next home in AZ… Because they are getting a deep clean now.

As a seasoned relational project manager by trade, I don’t have to plan food-related things like a 3, 6, or 12-month project. I could do it weekly, bi-monthly, or monthly and still feed n nurture my family. And gave breathing space in these 2 appliances.

There are so many facets to healing and transformation and they show up in unexpected places.  When they surface, we’re given a gift to look at it in a different light… to acknowledge, love, transform, and transcend… not criticize, self-deprecate, or dive into a spiral of more of the unpleasant behavior.

As a healer, coach, and mentor, I walk my talk and share my process with my clients, warts and all

Everything I teach, coach, or mentor has been trialed and used successfully in my own life and relationships. It is about integrity, reciprocity, credibility, and value as a giver.

The place to start your transformation and deprogramming is in the relationship you have with yourself and all that encompasses. For me, this week, it was recognizing I had an intense attachment to having a packed to the gills fridge and freezer and seeing I had an inclination towards food hoarding on a mini-scale due to my attachment to space being filled up in my freezer and fridge.

And if you want a loving, nurturing, supportive partner on the road to transformation and your healed state, let me know. I’m here for you. 

Contact me today https://drdar.com/contact

#wellnessmatters
#relationshippersonality
#relationshipgoals

Breathing Space - In My Fridge And Freezer - Food Hoarding No More - Dr. Dar Hawks
How to Do a Relationship Reset for People Pleasers

How to Do a Relationship Reset for People Pleasers

Knowing How and When to

Do A Relationship Reset 

Can Be the Difference Between
Having Harmony or Walking on Eggshells

Relationship Reset For People Pleasers - Dr. Dar Hawks

You see black stripes and the other person, your partner, coworker, friend, family member or acquaintance sees white stripes.

And neither of you can agree or find a path toward peaceful engagement.

Changing the subject works sometimes.

But, the energy from that one instance of not seeing eye to eye gets added to the next one… and the next one…

Till you cannot let it go.

That pent-up frustration, annoyance, irritation, and worry creates anxiety.

That’s when you know it’s time for a relationship reset.

But what exactly is a relationship reset and how do you do one?

Relationship Reset Jose Antonio Gallego Vazquez Unsplash Scaled

Photo credit:  Photo by Jose Antonio Gallego Vázquez on Unsplash

It starts with paying attention to what people in my life say and do… and if they are out of alignment with my core values… then I do what I call a relationship reset.  

relationship reset first requires:

  1. Acknowledging when I am giving too much
  2. Being self-aware so that I honor myself and my needs… and am aware when I am not
  3. Having honoring, kind and calm conversations to seek and restore balance when faced with people who do not reciprocate
  4. Being ready to limit my exposure to them if they continue taking in lieu of having a balance where we both give and receive in a divine dance
  5. Not feeling bad about myself or the other person
  6. Understanding when a relationship is not working out that it’s not personal… it may be the Universe conspiring on my behalf… and just allowing and trusting all is well… even when it does not feel like it
  7. Accepting it for what it is… we are out of alignment… and that is ok.  There is nothing wrong. There is nothing to fix. There is nothing to do.  Let it be.

How do you do a relationship reset for people pleasers?

There was a time when I found myself having to do relationship resets a few times a month with various people in my life.  I would escape into my mental and emotional womb like cave of comfort… but eventually I would have to come out and deal with relationship turmoils in my life.

Here are the steps for doing a relationship reset:

  1. Be patient with your emotions.  Give them time to reveal the wisdom that arrives once the emotional storm passes.  I used to jump in and try to have conversations to fix things that felt awry in my relationships in the heat of the moment.  Nothing good every came out of doing that… just more arguing, anger, frustration, and pain.
  2. Learn to give the relationship space instead of desperately trying to keep it together.  It usually works out one way or another without you having to to fix it.
  3. Be strong in respecting and loving yourself. When you do, no one can talk you down, disrespect, or dishonor you… and even if they do… it no longer harms you… because you hold yourself on a higher plane.
  4. Whenever something feels off… instead of thinking you did something wrong and reacting from that place… give it time… keep your mind busy… until you get some clarity.  More often than not, the feeling passes. Trust that the opportunity will present itself if you are to apologize for anything… and usually… you won’t.
  5. Hire a professional relationship coach to help you navigate through the issues in the relationship in a peaceful way… not your friends or family… or trying to resolve it yourself.  The minds and energy that created the relationship may not be able to see solutions or create resolution like a trained professional relationship coach can. 

I hope this is helpful to you.  Share your comments below to let me know if you have any questions.  And… contact me if I can help you with your relationship.

With Love,
Dr. Dar

Relationship Rebuild For People Pleasers - Dr. Dar Hawks
Invent Your Own Life Meaning as a People Pleaser, Giver, and Conscious Service Provider

Invent Your Own Life Meaning as a People Pleaser, Giver, and Conscious Service Provider

I Invite You To Invent
Your Own Life Meaning as a
People Pleaser, Giver, and Conscious Service Provider

As a fellow people pleaser, giver, and conscious service provider, I used to wonder about the meaning of my life…Life meaning as a people pleaser

My Life Meaning as a People Pleaser would…

Often arise when I was criticized, undervalued, or dismissed at work or felt that way at home…

Or when I was not manifesting or receiving what I wanted to have and experience in my life, work, and relationships. Life meaning as a people pleaser

It’s another way of beating ourselves up… because people pleasers, givers, and conscious service providers hold ourselves to a high standard… an idealistic standard… Life meaning as a people pleaser

It is no longer a question that puts me in a mental tailspin… followed by anxiety… and worry.

I took my queues from Mother Nature… like the bee in this picture. Life meaning as a people pleaser

Inventing your own life’s meaning is not connected with what you do, how you do it, the feedback you get… or criticism… or even what others say or think about you.

It is connected with being… specifically who you are being… Life meaning as a people pleaser

Not what others want you to be or do… Life meaning as a people pleaser

Not for giving all you have to please others… meaning of life as a people pleaser

And… not for doing more… and not leaving time, space or energy for yourself.

And… meaning of life as a people pleaser

It is directly connected with Feeling Good… About yourself, your life, work, and relationships.

This bee is being itself… buzzing around… seeking colorful budding flowers…  Life Meaning

Being joyously drawn to the beauty of this flower… and partaking of it’s bountiful nectar…

Bee Life'S Meaning-Dr. Darhawks - Photo Credit Sandy Miller Unsplash

Today… I Humbly Invite You
To Invent Your Own Life’s Meaning
With One or All of these 3 Steps

Step 1 – Skip all the rocks and go straight to the top rock. 

You see… The Meaning of Your Life… Is Yours to Define… Yours to Choose… 

We were taught that we have to do things one step at a time.  To climb the ladder… any ladder… figurative or real… we had to climb up one rung at a time…

That skipping any rungs on that ladder would result in more splinters on our hands, legs, and feet than if we took each rung… one at a time… and slowly. Meaning of Life

You see… we’ve been taught a logical step by step process in everything in life.  You start as a youngster in kindergarten… step by step going through each grade, each class… in order that the system dictates.  And we continue logically… doing steps in order… in classes, taking tests, following recipes, reading books, doing a project… Meaning of Life

I could go on and on with other examples… Meaning of Life

For people pleasers, givers, and conscious service providers… we’ve learned that following the steps… step by step… will prevent us from mistakes… or worse… getting hurt.

IMAGINE

Skip any row of rocks… even skipping all the way to the top… with Joy and Ease!

It is possible to skip a grade… whether you go to summer school to get ahead… or learn on your own in your spare time and pass the test to skip a grade or class. Meaning of Life

It is possible to improve a recipe by adding an ingredient or mixing the ingredients in a different order than what is dictated on paper. Meaning of Life

Skip To The Top Rock - Drdarhawks- Lifes Meaning - Zdenek-Machacek--Unsplash
Imagine - Ladder - Dr. Dar Hawks - Debby-Hudson-Unsplash

But… the truth is… your soul knows…

Step 2 – You can unlearn what you’ve been taught… 

Unlearn all that does not serve your highest good… or the highest good for others in your life.

You can listen to your voice… your instinct… your intuition… and your wisdom.

To get a jump start on your ‘deconditioning’ and ‘deprogramming process’, I invite you to experience your Body Energy Map.

You will be provided with your own strategy to hear the wisdom of your body, your own body’s way of making highest good decisions, and learn your strategy for unlearning what does not serve your highest good.

Unlearn The Lies We Have Inherited
The-Body-Energy-Map---Dr.-Dar-Hawks---Product-Image

If you’re not ready for step 1 or step 2…

Step 3 – Use this logical, mind oriented unlearning process

It’s called the unlearning curve.

It is a mind focused exercise… not a whole body one… and not an emotional one.

However, your mind, body, and emotions can reveal opportunities for unlearning through this logical mind focused process.

It asks that you write your answers down to get the out of your head and into another form.

I ask that you keep a journal to jot down what surfaces for you to unlearn as you use this unlearning curve process.

Allow this process to help you become comfy with uncertainty, doubt, and not knowing… anything.  It’s a powerful process… to unlearn what no longer serves your highest good.

The-Unlearning-Curve-Framework-

If you’ve made it this far… I have a secret to tell you…

The meaning of your life… is tied to purposeful or intentional or mindful living… and that is to feel good.

Invent Your Own Life Meaning

What if feeling good about yourself is the starter to the fire of meaning in your life?  

And… what if there was a simpler way to begin your unlearning… deconditioning process?

Dailai Lama - Meaning Of Life - Happiness - Drdarhawks

Click the button to take the free Feel Good Superpower Quiz to learn about the 5 Feel Good Superpowers and how to leverage them to have meaning in your life.  They have given me inner calm, meaning, joy, and serenity… and it is my hope they connect you with your joy.

Don’t Call Me Selfish Or Else…  Ep. 25 The Feel Good Superpower Podcast

Don’t Call Me Selfish Or Else… Ep. 25 The Feel Good Superpower Podcast

Don’t Call Me Selfish… Or Else!

Welcome to Episode 25 of the Feel Good Superpower Podcast. I’m Dr. Dar, and it is my joy to help givers, people pleasers and service-oriented women thrive in life, work/business, and relationships. 

Today I’m talking about: 

The word selfish, why it triggers people-pleasers, givers, empaths, emotional, sensitives, and service providers… why we are accused of being selfish, how to overcome it, and what to say to people who call you selfish. 

Hence the appropriate title I gave this podcast is Don’t Call Me Selfish or Else!

Meaning, if you call me selfish, I am going to answer that with a logical, self-honoring response ?

Click the play button to listen to my podcast about the origins of the word selfish, what it really means, and what to say to someone who calls you selfish.

Listen to “Ep. 25 Don’t Call Me Selfish or Else – Dr. Dar Hawks” on Spreaker.

Don'T Call Me Selfish - Stop Being Selfish - Dr. Dar Hawks

 

First, I want to say that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing. 

I invite you to stop feeling bad about wanting others to be happy or wanting to have a feel good happy world. 

We need more of us in the world… and being the world’s exemplary role models for kindness, generosity, compassion, empathy, caring and giving.

Society cannot teach about altruism, giving, and servant leadership and then on the other side demean people for being that way. 

And, you have a choice whether to accept the label of being a people pleaser as a bad thing… or a good thing.

I believe that:

  • People pleasers make the world a better place.
  • People pleasers think about others through deep empathy, and we care about our world. 
  • Our world would be more loving, kind, and peaceful if people pleasers were not demeaned and instead the focus had been on healing the extreme competitive without consideration for others.

Side note:
The words codependence, narcissism or other mental and emotional health disorders are clinical terms that have now have become mainstream but only medical and mental health professionals are able to diagnose people with these disorders.  People pleasing is not an established medical or psychological disorder either.  Unfortunately, in our societies, these terms are being used frivolously without true understanding or training about what they are and are not. These disorders when a human being mostly operates that way.

Many humans are not selfish 100% of the time. 

Let me say that again, most humans are not selfish 100% of the time.

We all exhibit and have some selfish qualities and moments.  And… that is not a bad thing.  

Why can’t we have a balance of both? 

A harmonic balance of being self-less and selfish? 

Altruistic and selfish? 

Giving and Receiving? 

Self-Care and Giving?

These are all examples of a balance of both selfishness and people pleasing.

We do live in yin and yang world, where we need balance and harmony between the two. When there is an imbalance between self-care and giving, there is disruption, upset, and problems. When there is an imbalance of selfishness and people pleasing, there is an issue.

There has to be both.

There is a Universal Law of Polarity that states everything in the Universe has a dual nature.  That duality appears to be opposites of each other.

Selfishness alone, in its entirety creates an imbalance. 

People pleasing alone, in its entirety creates an imbalance.

But with the laws of polarity and duality, both must be present for harmonic balance.

The problem is that society has created a problem to fix mindset and approach… well in everything that gets created.

Which then creates unhealthy imbalance.

Which then creates more problems to fix.

Which is in and of itself an unhealthy imbalance.

Being selfish alone is unhealthy and results in a focus on self without any consideration for anything other than yourself.

Being selfless and altruistic without being selfish results in focusing on the outside world and giving without any consideration of your own needs and care to the detriment of self.

See what I mean.  We need a healthy balance of both. 

There can be a harmonic balance between self-care, selfishness… and giving. 

I call it reciprocity.  

Core Value People Pleasers Must Have - Fb - Dr. Dar Hawks

Click the play button to listen to my podcast about the origins of the word selfish, what it really means, and what to say to someone who calls you selfish.

Listen to “Ep. 25 Don’t Call Me Selfish or Else – Dr. Dar Hawks” on Spreaker.

The #1 way to tell if you’re around givers and people pleasers is to start talking about how someone was being selfish or how someone called you selfish.  You will start a rant fest.  

We get triggered by it because we are such givers, and we’re always thinking about others and their perspectives and feelings.  It’s hard to comprehend how we can be called selfish as the givers of the world.

If we’re called selfish, oh my… does that create a churn of not feel good in us.

I want to share the origins of the word Selfish with you first.  Ready for a huge mindset shift?

The word was allegedly coined in the 17th century in a publication called Hacket’s Life of Archbishop Williams (circa 1693) in England. The timing of the creation of the word selfish is suspect to me as it happened in the midst of the patriarchy.  Not a healthy and harmonic balance between patriarchy and matriarchy.

This notion of human beings being one thing or another thing has created a robust medical, mental, and pharma industry to solve problems in humans… all created by not having a harmonic balance of duality or polarity.

That is another rant I could go on… I’ll stay focused on the word selfish for now.

I find it interesting the word selfish shows up in various religious contexts which made it mainstream… which I am not going to go into here either. 

In 1864, Charles Darwin coined the term ‘survival of the fittest’ from his observations in nature.  His observation was that only the strong or fittest survive.

Unfortunately, this survival of the fittest theory  started being applied to humans which created an unhealthy competitive environment in business and at home.  Lacking in the harmonic balance between competitiveness and collaboration.  Again, it had to be one or the other… and not a harmonic balance of both.  

Survival Of Fittest - Selfish - Selfless - Drdarhawks-Sharon-Mccutcheon-Unsplash

Being in unhealthy survival mode instead of thriving as a human is selfish (it has to be) because we’re doing all we can to make it one more day for food, shelter, safety, our family, etc.  Once we get out of survival mode, we shift into that giving space once again.

You are not a problem to be fixed. You are a delightful soul and human being.

The other thing I found interesting during my research on the word selfish and its origins… is it is riddled with masculine energy for those who have written and spoken about it… and not in a good way. 

Healthy selfishness is about self care, self appreciation, self esteem and self love… and taking care of your needs and requirements in your life, work, and relationships, but not primarily or constantly or consistently.

Unhealthy selfishness is only caring about yourself without consideration of others, lacking empathy, compassion, kindness, and care for others primarily or constantly. 

With the law of polarity, selfishness and people pleasing – put the 2 together, and you get a healthy functioning human.  You ensure you are self-caring and you also are a giver and people pleaser in a healthy harmonic balance. 

But… because the materialistic world needs problems to be fixed for profit… the focus becomes on just one or the other which creates a whole industry of solutions for profit.  But what results is more damaging with the labels that don’t consider the whole person, just some behaviors they exhibit at times or frequently. 

When we call someone selfish – are we saying they are 100% selfish?

No, we’re not.  We’re saying their choice or behavior in one specific situation or example is selfish. 

So let’s be honoring of that – with our words… instead of making grandiose claims about the whole being of a person, point to the example or situation… and say I think that is a selfish way of looking at it or behaving or thinking.

Also…

We’re taught to be altruistic and think about others… their family, community, etc. in their lives when we’re very young.  And when we don’t look out for our fellow student or sibling or do what our parents tell us to… we can be called selfish.  It is a damaging label and accusation.

But are they 100% selfish 100% of the time.

No.

And the bottom line… is this… those accusations are lobbed because at the core of the issue are 3 things:

  • We are not wired the same way – we don’t think, act, feel, and behave exactly the same way or see the situation the same way – each person in the relationship is a unique being… and each person has free will to choose. Those differences create misunderstanding. Consequently, if one person cannot accept that another does not see or do it the way they see and do it, then it is considered selfish 
  • Wanting another person to do what you say or want or demand
  • Wanting to control what another person does or says to benefit themselves solely

Let me be clear… when you are called selfish and you are a giver, people pleaser, helper, or service oriented, it usually means that you’re not doing what that person wants… you are not serving their needs or requests or demands. That is when the giving and taking relationship becomes manipulative or controlling.  The harmonic balance is unsettled.

Let’s call it for what it is… people who call other people selfish are not getting what they want, demand, or request from that person.  That’s what it is about.

When we look at human behavior regardless of the year or generation, once a human is in survival mode, it is self-preservation mode.  And it is designed to be self-focused. 

We have to know and be clear about our own needs so that we can manage and handle them.

I also want to point out that…

When a people pleaser or giver accuses someone of being selfish… it’s because we don’t understand why that person cannot see, think, feel or do what we would do… the kind, compassionate, feeling rich, honoring, and caring thing.  We get triggered when others don’t do what we would do to be kind or compassionate to others. We set ourselves up for an upset… because many people are not givers, helpers, or people pleasers 100% of the time… and we all express giving in our unique ways…

Which creates problems to be fixed.  And that cycle goes on and on.

Here’s what unbounded spirit says about the anthropological roots of selfishness: “Looking at “Before the Neolithic Revolution — that is, the wide-scale transition of many human cultures from a lifestyle of hunting and gathering to one of agriculture and settlement that took place some 12,000 years ago — humans lived mostly in nomadic, hunter-gatherer groups of up to 150 members.

Back then, the world was sparsely populated, food was abundant… it seems unlikely that they would fight against each other for resources, or for any other reason really. …this doesn’t mean that they never did fight, but it does suggest that, generally speaking, they peacefully coexisted, without the need for competition and organized violence. The case that prehistoric humans lived mostly at peace is also supported by anthropological research. Anthropologists who lived with and studied closely some of the world’s few remaining “immediate-return” hunter-gatherer groups — meaning, groups that don’t store food, but consume it soon after obtaining it, as prehistoric humans did — have found them to be highly egalitarian.

Such groups don’t accumulate property or possessions, they share resources, and have no hierarchical power structure. In such a social environment, humans don’t feel the need or desire to compete against or oppress each other. And when they do — which does happen, albeit rarely — the rest of the group fights against them or ostracizes them. As you might imagine, this defense mechanism makes it even less likely that someone would want to compete against or oppress other members of the group, for doing so would mean risking their very life.  

It doesn’t make sense that selfishness would have given humans an evolutionary advantage. Quite the contrary, altruism would. Helping, collaborating and sharing resources seems to have been the best way to keep oneself alive and safe. So, if that’s the case, then what could explain for the selfishness that pervades modern society? Well, to answer this question, we need to go back in time again and look at the conditions that turned humans selfish. As humans were settling in agricultural societies, they gradually started to behave very differently compared to hunter-gatherers. They began to privately own land (which, by the way, was inconceivable to hunter-gatherers, who saw the land as a sacred gift of nature to be shared by all), as well as animals and other resources. This, as you can understand, led to social and economic disparities between humans. Resources weren’t enough for everyone anymore, as they used to be until that point in time. Naturally, thrown into an increasing environment of scarcity, humans felt more and more compelled to act selfishly in order to survive and gain a competitive advantage.

Fast-forward a few thousand years and the same competitive ethic exists to this day — and arguably more than ever before. Modern humans — that is, humans like me and you — live in conditions of scarcity, where nearly everyone is forced to compete for money and resources. In this world, we’re taught from a very young age that there are winners and losers — and that if we want to be on the winners’ side, we need to be very competitive. Only this way, we’re conditioned to believe, can we find success in life. Add to this our materialistic culture wherein people are judged based on their possessions, and it becomes crystal clear why humans today behave mostly in selfish ways.

Of course, that doesn’t mean humans are inherently selfish, since as we’ve seen, for nearly the entire span of human history they had been mostly altruistic. Human nature is extremely malleable, and the environmental conditions humans live in largely shape how it’s expressed. Place people in a competitive environment, and they’ll most likely act selfishly. Place them in a collaborative one, and they’ll most likely act altruistically. Put differently, within each human lie two potential psychological aspects — a “selfish” and an “altruistic” one — and the side that becomes manifested is the one we cultivate through the environment we live in. It is in our hands, therefore, to design a social environment that helps us to develop the behavioral traits we want to see in ourselves and others, rather than those we don’t want.”

For me… the bottom line… the core issue… the core concern… is a lack of self-love, self-appreciation, and self-awareness in addition to scarcity mindsets that get generated in a world of competitiveness.  Creating problems to fix with products and services for profit.

Scott Barry Kaufman says this in his article on the taboo of selfishness: “Unhealthy selfishness is motivated by neuroticism and greed. For this person, his needs are insatiable, and he rarely receives any long-lasting satisfaction. When we look closely at people who are motivated by unhealthy selfishness, we see that that they do not really love themselves deep down, that that they do not have inner security and affirmation… the person with this form of selfishness is only interested in oneself, wants everything for oneself, is unable to give with any pleasure but is only anxious to take; the world outside himself is conceived only from the standpoint of what he can get out of it; he lacks interest in the needs of others, or respect for their dignity and integrity. He sees only himself, judges everyone and everything from the standpoint of its usefulness to him, is basically unable to love.

In today’s society, we are seriously lacking in self-love. If we want more peace, we need to think more seriously about creating the conditions that allow people to develop their unique intellectual, creative, and emotional capacities, the freedom to assert the totality of their being, and the opportunities to satisfy their basic needs. This will lead to a reduction in hatred, and a reduction in the drive to destruction– both to self and others.”

Words Have Power - Dr. Dar Hawks

 Let’s unpack the word selfish now:

The word self means the set of someone’s characteristics such as personality and that are not physical and make that person different from other people.

Now let’s look at what the prefix ish means: -ish is a suffix that is used to and nouns that indicate what country or area a  thing, or language comes from… like the words Spanish or English.  It is also used to form adjectives that say what a person thing, or action is like such as the words foolish or childish.  And it is used to form adjectives to give the meaning to some degree … we use it when we’re uncertain of an exact measure, degree or quantity…

We say 6ish to indicate a flexible time of day. 

Or oldish if we don’t know the person’s age exactly. Or Feverish if someone’s forehead or cheek feels warm but we don’t know the exact temperature.

Now let’s put the words self and ish together using what we’ve learned about the 2 words separately:

Given the word self means the set of someone’s characteristics, such as personality and that are not physical and make that different from other people. And ish is a suffix we add to words to create an adjective to describe what a person is like…

Then technically selfish means:

The person being called selfish is being different from the other person who is calling them selfish.

That is all selfish frigging means.

This word was created in the midst of religiousness, industrialism, and patriarchy… a world requiring conformity… and resulting in punishment or suffering if you were different.

Now, as promised, here’s what I suggest you say to someone who calls you selfish:

Thank you for noticing. I want you to know that I hear you call me selfish about this specific situation.

Then go into… I understand what you’re asking or wanting right now. However, I am unable to commit to that at this time.  (you don’t have to explain why, even if they ask why)

Instead ask this question:

What are some ways you can address getting that handled without my involvement for now?

You could also say this if they push wanting to know why you are not saying yes.

I am choosing what’s best for this situation for myself and ultimately it will be for you too.  I know it is not exactly what you prefer or want.  And what you want or are asking is out of alignment for what I want/need to do right now.

My final thought is this…

Words have meaning and energy.  They can be weapons of destruction or creation.  I invite you to be honoring of these words going forward… and educate people in your life about the word selfish.

Please share this podcast and blog post with them.

Oh and take my feel-good quiz because it’s all about the 5 ways humans interact with each other… and why conflicts happen when they interact.

Here is my disclaimer to be in integrity with my use of the clinical words:
What I am sharing here is not a replacement for licensed professionals.  As an Intuitive/Sensate Life, Relationship and Business Coach, I am not providing health care, medical or nutritional therapy services, or attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any physical, mental or emotional issue, disease or condition. The information provided in my podcast pertaining to any aspect of your life is not intended to be a substitute for the professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by your own Medical Provider, Clergy or Mental Health Provider.

Click the play button to listen to my podcast about the origins of the word selfish, what it really means, and what to say to someone who calls you selfish.

Listen to “Ep. 25 Don’t Call Me Selfish or Else – Dr. Dar Hawks” on Spreaker.

The #1 Core Value in Relationships People Pleasers, Givers, Emotional, and Sensitives Must Have

The #1 Core Value in Relationships People Pleasers, Givers, Emotional, and Sensitives Must Have

The #1 Core Value in Relationships

People Pleasers, Givers, Emotional, and Sensitives Must Have This #1 Core Value to Thrive in All Their Relationships

There is a #1 Core Value in a Relationship that People Pleasers (and really everyone who is kind, generous, and altruistic) must have & it is not about boundaries or doing anything against your innate nature. It is honoring, respectful, and significant. Core Value in Relationships

First, I want to say that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing.  You’re going to see me write and hear me say this over… and over… and over again. Core Value in Relationships

Because… I don’t want us to beat ourselves up for caring about others… for being givers… for being emotional… sensitive… or helpful. Core Value in Relationships

The shame, blame, and you are wrong game just does not work for us people pleasers who love to give to others and are motivated by doing so. Core Value in Relationships

Shame Blame Sad Contemplating Woman - Dr. Dar Hawks

Sure you and I have some issues in some relationships where we give to selfish takers and have received nothing from that giving… and dare I say… we hold out hope they will give at some point in the future. 

You see…  Core Value in a Relationship 

I know how this feels…  Core Value in a Relationship

I felt challenged and went into intentional survival mode in school and at work, because I was not the highly competitive type but the collaborative and accommodating type. 

It’s difficult to collaborate when people just want to compete… and not collaborate.

It did not matter how obvious it was that I got more done individually and as a team because I was and am a collaborator, inclusive of everyone on the team, and genuinely care what people are thinking about and their approaches to the project or job. Core Value in Relationships

Competitiveness breeds division, comparing, judgment, criticism, and other things that just don’t feel good to us people pleasers.  It creates division at home and at work… competing for grades, the promotion at work, or for parental approval are just some examples of how we’re pitted against each other… instead of for each other and the greater good.  Core Value in Relationships

We’re peacemakers, negotiators, helpers, collaborators, and team-spirited ones. We’re the optimists and believers in the greater good of our community and each other.

But… Core Value in Relationships

Unfortunately, the world is built on a problem to fix mentality.  You are not a problem to fix… neither am I.  Core Value in Relationships

As long as this is perpetuated, we continue a spiral of healing seeking… and we continue to attract people who will certainly help us learn… the hard way that is…   

Enough of that… I say! Core Value in Relationships

Rather than berate myself for being a generous, wise, and giving people pleaser… today, I pay attention to what people in my life say and do… and if they are out of alignment with my core values… then I do what I call a relationship reset. Core Value in Relationships

I used to get burned out, exhaust myself, and give way too much.  Especially when dating… oh my gosh – doing things for my dates after we got to the 5th date to show them how special they are… ugh… and at work wanting my coworkers and boss to be happy.  Core Value in Relationships

relationship reset requires:

  1. Acknowledging when I am giving too much
  2. Being self-aware so that I honor myself and my needs… and am aware when I am not
  3. Having honoring, kind and calm conversations to seek and restore balance when faced with people who do not reciprocate
  4. Being ready to limit my exposure to them if they continue taking in lieu of having a balance where we both give and receive in a divine dance
  5. Not feeling bad about myself or the other person
  6. Accepting it for what it is… we are out of alignment… and that is ok.  There is nothing wrong. There is nothing to fix.

There was a time when I found myself having to do relationship resets a few times a month with various people in my life.  I would escape into my mental and emotional womb like cave of comfort.

(Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash)

Womb Cave Of Comfort For People Pleasers - Dr. Dar Hawks

I realized, there was more for me to do to shift the energy of attracting takers…

More to do to embrace the energy of mutual giving and receiving in a dance much like the Infinity Symbol. Core Value in Relationships

The #1 Core Value in Relationshipa… that all of Us Must Have to Thrive

I wanted a word to represent a balance of giving and receiving… as a feeling and sensing… not a tit for tat metric. Core Value in Relationships

BAM!  I found the word Reciprocal.  Then Reciprocity. Core Value in Relationships

I am a fan of looking up the meanings and origination of word… and today I used the Cambridge English Dictionary. Core Value in Relationships

Reciprocal is a reciprocal action or arrangement involves two people or groups of people who behave in the same way or agree to help each other and give each other advantages.

Reciprocity is behavior in which 2 people or groups of people give each other help and advantages. Core Value in Relationships

I also found this on Huffington post to help explain how reciprocity can be learned… why some have it and others don’t: The rules of reciprocity are something that can be learned from culture, upbringing, experience or influence, or maybe they’re just something you’re born knowing. Core Value in Relationships

So…

I took on Reciprocity… as a foundational value and principle in my life.

Everything… and I mean everything… is for mutual benefit in my relationships… whether it is my relationship with myself, my money, food, my family or spouse, my coworkers or boss, in my business… in all of my relationships.  When you add reciprocity as a key core value, alignment naturally happens.  The takers, manipulators, un-appreciators… really anything that does not align with reciprocal energy naturally will leave your space.  Be gentle with yourself as you’re in an alignment process… and reach out for support as I am well versed in how to navigate the alignment process.

And that is NOT being selfish.  It’s being honoring of them… and me! Core Value in Relationships

The day I stopped attracting selfish, manipulative and charming takers was the day I added this one ingredient into my life… into my value system… to the core of my being.

Then… the Boundaries… Core Value in Relationships

Any boundaries I had to put in place previously, were not necessary any longer. 

I learned that sharing my values with everyone early on in the relationship informed them of how I roll… and we would know right then if we were aligned… or not. 

If they resonate with my values, and I with theirs… it’s a calm go.  If not… it’s a wait and see but I am not diving in yet. 

And… reciprocity has to be present otherwise I know I am going into the relationship with an uneven balance of energy exchange.  My history has provided enough experiences to know that if I sacrifice reciprocity, it never turns out well… and I am the one who ends up suffering.

I Choose Reciprocity as My #1 Core Value
as a People Pleaser

Yin Yang Icon - #1 Core Value For People Pleasers- Dr. Dar Hawks - Trans

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Listen to “Ep. 23 9 Ways You've Been Trained to Be a People Pleaser + Origination of the Term” on Spreaker.