Saving Your Relationship When Your Partner is
NOT a People Pleaser, Giver, Emotional, or Sensitive
Feeling Deflated When Your Partner Does Not Seem to Care
It’s Time for a Relationship Rebuild for People Pleasers
It’s difficult to be a giver, people pleaser, emotional, and sensitive in a world build for the competitive, tit for tat, materialistic, and left brained world. Like my client, Elle… Relationship Rebuild for People Pleasers
Elle is a giver and people pleaser. She is a caring, compassionate, emotional and sensitive person as well.
She married someone who is not any of those things.
She was focused on her family and raising her four children while her husband worked… he is a worker bee to the extreme and he loves it.
Once the children were out of the house at college or building their own lives, the differences in how Elle and her husband think, feel, act, and behave became hyper apparent.
He would interact with their children, now young adults, in a fix it or problem to fix mindset.
The kids and Elle would get animated and talk in an emotional or sensitive way once he got home or had a few minutes to spare at home. And he would go into fix it mode. He is wired differently from his emotional and sensitive family.
Most of the time, he would just take action to get their needs met without including them in the conversation or solution. His mind is logical, problem-fix oriented, unemotional, and he can come across as insensitive… and often.
He loves to impress his family, coworkers, and friends with his problem resolution skills and providing the best of the best money can buy for them. He loves using his income to be a contribution to the betterment of the lives of those he cares about. Materially.
The givers, people pleasers, emotional, and sensitive wife and kids did not put as much weight into what he provided, materially and tangibly. They just wanted to receive understanding, compassion, and quality time with him.
So… he felt unappreciated… and like a bank for everyone. Relationship Rebuild for People Pleasers
And… they felt dismissed, insignificant, and unloved.
Over time, Elle started privately calling him uncaring, unkind, and at times a narcissist. She felt completely devastated. They argued, fought, and considered divorce. And… the kids were emotionally withdrawing because they felt unsupported, unheard, and not understood.
Then… he had an affair. And lied about his comings and goings for several years.
That was the breaking point and admission to needing help.
Because career driven people don’t ask for help. They are independent and figure things out on their own.
And… people pleasers and givers… need nurturing, caring, compassionate support from someone they trust to have their best interests at heart… someone who communicates, teaches, and models the behaviors they coach… someone who has had relationship failures and worked through them… and someone who learned how to have a harmonious, loving, and connected long term relationship themselves.
They wanted someone to help them reconnect and rebuild their relationship, not someone to fix them or the relationship.
Feeling Utterly Betrayed By Your Partner
It’s Definitely Time to Invest in a Relationship Rebuild for People Pleasers
By the time Elle came to me, she was devastated by the lies, betrayal, and was unsure if she even wanted to stay in her relationship. Deep down she knew she did but did not see any path to rebuilding her relationship. She no longer trusted her partner. She was crushed by the betrayal.
The kind of betrayal that kicks your legs out from under you, takes your breath away, punches your heart, and moves you into a crumpled messy ball on the floor, balling your guts out. The betrayal that has you question and doubt yourself… that makes you ultra-paranoid, snoopy, highly distrusting, and intensely questioning of ‘their’ words and actions.
Here are the things she experienced in her relationship that added to her anxiety, stress, distrust, and lack of esteem and confidence:
- Learning that her spouse was having an affair
- Lying about or withholding day to day things, and the big things with each other and the children
- Being blamed and accused of being the one that gave you the infection when you are the faithful one
- Obstinate denial of betrayal, even though you have proof
- Saying they will change and stop, but don’t… and you keep being hopeful they will change… one day
- Staying in the relationship without a strategy for rebuilding it diminishing her self-esteem and worth into a speck of dust
- Being controlled and manipulated
- Using money… or love as conditions (weapons) for staying in the relationship
- Using your words against you… and activate your fears intentionally
- Maintaining emotional connections with their ex… and not having one with you
- Utter selfishness
- An inability to see or understand the perspectives and feelings of others
- Repeatedly breaking their word
- Dishonoring and disrespecting you and others
In the process of trying to make sense of betrayal,
here are some ways you may be betraying yourself
- Desperately wanting to put the broken pieces of the relationship back together again… but you’re the one making the effort
- Doubting yourself… questioning your sanity
- Keeping the betrayal to yourself… because you feel embarrassed or ashamed
- Holding the weight of keeping the family and extended family together… because they don’t know… and you’re scared about what they will do if they did know
- Keeping a happy public-facing face while you’re dying inside
- Mental and emotional anxiety
- Seeing and believing in their partner’s potential… not their words and actions
- Inability to sleep, tossing and turning… especially on days you are reminded of the betrayal
- Dismissing their words and actions because they make up for it in other ways
- Increasing arguments and conflict in every attempt to connect and converse
- Not knowing who to trust
- Don’t want to rock the boat, because you know what it’s like to stay… you don’t know what leaving or changing it looks like Relationship Rebuild for People Pleasers
- Being suspicious everytime they pick up their cell phone or avoid answering questions about their whereabouts or plans each day
- Disregarding or diminishing your needs and requirements for the sake of the relationship
- Expecting apologies or emotional support with someone who is incapable, unable, or unwilling to give them.
Asking for help feels like you’re a failure…
You should know how to fix the issues in your relationship, shouldn’t you?
It’s a heavy expectation to put on yourself when nobody has gone to a professional relationship school to be taught this stuff… but you have been to school – the school of hard knocks. And you’re tired of being knocked around.
You have stayed in it… and nothing you have tried has created the changes you desperately want.
You’re suffering… silently.
And your partner does not seem to care… in the way you need them to.
Feeling like a failure, being embarrassed, or feeling ashamed is actually keeping you from getting the help and support you need for the transformation you want to have for yourself, your life, and your relationship.
Will you have one phone or zoom call with me? It is just one call… one step to feel better, more confident, have clarity, and be calmer.
We can figure out the next step after you take this first feel better step. Click the button to schedule your feel better call now.