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10 Steps to Succeed in Relationships

08/17/2009

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Dr. Dar

Is it possible to design a relationship that works?

Where you both can win?

Where communication is open?

YES! YES! YES!

How? Here is Dr.Dar’s 10-Step Method to Succeed in Your Relationship(s):

  1. Be Vulnerable – you have to allow yourself to share everything about yourself with another human being – your fears, your desires, your dreams, your flaws, your child-like tendencies, your background, your accomplishments, your failures, your likes, your dislikes…you get the drift. AND, Remember, NOTHING can happen to you when you SHARE. All you are doing is Sharing! Be Vulnerable!
  2. Trust and Be Trustable – A Universal Law of Relationships is that You Must Trust in order to Be Trusted. So, give your trust to another person and they will trust you. As soon as you are distrusting, you will find others distrust you.
  3. Be Authentic – Be who you are at all times no matter what. Be Aware of Who You Are and What makes you tick at all times. When you adapt or change aspects of yourself In Order To be with another person, you are NOT AUTHENTIC. Being inauthentic is the # 1 reason why relationships FAIL.
  4. Love Yourself – You have to love yourself enough to allow someone else to Love you. How can someone else love you when you are unable to love you? You become Loveable when You Love Yourself. The #2 reason why Relationships FAIL over the long-term is not loving yourself enough.
  5. Look for What IS – what works, or what is right – The #3 reason why Relationships FAIL is because we are so trained or ingrained to pay attention to what we do not want, what is not working, what is wrong, what the other person is not doing, how they are not for me….How can anyone find the perfect relationship when all you are looking for is the NOTS? Look for What IS as opposed to What is Not and your relationships will improve!
  6. Pay Attention -you have to pay attention to what is going on in your relationships and to how you feel. How do you feel after having been with someone or talked to someone? Are they recipriocal? Do you get what you need? Are you happy giving to this person? Do they drain you? Do they elevate you? Do you feel comfortable with them? What are you observing that has you feel a bit off center? Is this person drinking too much on a regular basis and how do you feel about that? dD you brush away feelings/thoughts that are potentially a sign for you to pay attention?PAY ATTENTION – your feelings are a guide…your mind can brush away important feelings in order to make the relationship work. Not Paying Attention in the relationship is the #4 reason relationships FAIL.
  7. Be Connected in all 4 Aspects of Fulfilling Relationships – Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually directly to Self and in your relationships. Relationships are completely fulfilling when all 4 aspects of Fulfilling Relationships are present.How do I connect? Get a piece of paper NOW. Make 4 columns for the 4 Aspects of Relationships.Answer these questions:
    What does Mentally connecting look and feel like?
    What does Emotionally connecting look like and feel like?
    What does Physically connecting look like and feel like?
    What does Spiritually connecting look like and feel like?

    Now that you have answered these questions for yourself, practice connecting in your relationships. All 4 aspects do not have to be present in all relationships. To have a sustainable romantic relationship ALL 4 Aspects must be present. Another Universal Law of Relationships is that You Must Connect to Be Connected.

  8. Enjoy BEING, not doing – enjoy Being together. The distinction of BEING together is critical in relationships. Most relationships are defined by DOING. Doing is neither fulfilling nor sustaining in relationships. Life changes, human beings grow and change over time and therefore, the things we DO changes. The #5 reason why relationships FAIL is because they are based on and defined by DOING.
    Can you simply enjoy being with this person without doing anything? Can you be together and feel fulfilled? Can you sit in a room doing your thing, while they are doing their thing and be together and feel fulfilled? Allowing each other and Accepting each other wholly becomes effortless when you are BEING together.
  9. Look for opportunities to FIND THE GIFT and CHOOSE what you do with it – the #6 reason why relationships FAIL is because we look for opportunities to be offended. We choose to be offended, reacting instead of responding, which affects our ability to have a fulfilling relationship. The classic story illustrates this step perfectly – a woman who asks her partner if she looks fat in a particular outfit/dress. The partner truthfully replies in the affirmative resulting in the woman who reacts, is offended, and has a tantrum…we laugh at this and yet it happens time and time again.The people who LOVE us are going to tell us the truth. This is a GOOD thing. This is a GIFT. When another person shares their observations, opinions, and perceptions – they are sharing a gift, a lesson, a learning with you. ALWAYS say THANK YOU to them for caring enough to share…then Find the GIFT and CHOOSE what, if anything, you want to do with it, then let it go.
  10. Collaborate – above all collaboration is the key to fulfilling and sustaining relationships, regardless of the type of relationship. The #7 reason why relationships FAIL is because we are too busy wanting others to agree with our point of view which means that we are usually in a defensive and reactive posture. When you are in a collaborative frame of mind, body, and spirit – you instantly find comfort in the differences and accept the differences such that creating a collaborative engagement is possible. Only when you see and accept the differences can you ask How can we create something that works for both of us, where we both feel good and are fulfilled?

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