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The #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have

02/05/2021

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Darshana Hawks

The #1 Core Value
People Pleasers Must Have to Thrive in all Relationships

 There is a #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have & it is not about boundaries or doing anything against your innate nature. It is honoring, respectful, and significant.

First, I want to say that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing.  You’re going to see me write and hear me say this over… and over… and over again.

Because… I don’t want us to beat ourselves up for caring about others… for being givers… for being emotional… sensitive… or helpful.

The shame, blame, and you are wrong game just does not work for us people pleasers who love to give to others and are motivated by doing so.

Shame Blame Sad Contemplating Woman - Dr. Dar Hawks

There is a #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have & it is not about boundaries or doing anything against your innate nature. It is honoring, respectful, and significant.

First, I want to say that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing.  You’re going to see me write and hear me say this over… and over… and over again.

Because… I don’t want us to beat ourselves up for caring about others… for being givers… for being emotional… sensitive… or helpful.

The shame, blame, and you are wrong game just does not work for us people pleasers who love to give to others and are motivated by doing so.

Sure you and I have some issues in some relationships where we give to selfish takers and have received nothing from that giving… and dare I say… we hold out hope they will give at some point in the future. 

You see…

I know how this feels…

I felt challenged and went into intentional survival mode in school and at work, because I was not the highly competitive type but the collaborative and accommodating type.  It’s difficult to collaborate when people just want to compete… and not collaborate.

It did not matter how obvious it was that I got more done individually and as a team because I was and am a collaborator, inclusive of everyone on the team, and genuinely care what people are thinking about and their approaches to the project or job.

Competitiveness breeds division, comparing, judgment, criticism, and other things that just don’t feel good to us people pleasers.  It creates division at home and at work… competing for grades, the promotion at work, or for parental approval are just some examples of how we’re pitted against each other… instead of for each other and the greater good. 

We’re peacemakers, negotiators, helpers, collaborators, and team-spirited ones. We’re the optimists and believers in the greater good of our community and each other.

But…

Unfortunately, the world is built on a problem to fix mentality.  You are not a problem to fix… neither am I.  

As long as this is perpetuated, we continue a spiral of healing seeking… and we continue to attract people who will certainly help us learn… the hard way that is…   

Enough of that… I say!

Rather than berate myself for being a generous, wise, and giving people pleaser… today, I pay attention to what people in my life say and do… and if they are out of alignment with my core values… then I do what I call a relationship reset.

I used to get burned out, exhaust myself, and give way too much.  Especially when dating… oh my gosh – doing things for my dates after we got to the 5th date to show them how special they are… ugh.

relationship reset requires:

  1. Acknowledging when I am giving too much
  2. Being self-aware so that I honor myself and my needs… and am aware when I am not
  3. Having honoring, kind and calm conversations to seek and restore balance when faced with people who do not reciprocate
  4. Being ready to limit my exposure to them if they continue taking in lieu of having a balance where we both give and receive in a divine dance
  5. Not feeling bad about myself or the other person
  6. Accepting it for what it is… we are out of alignment… and that is ok.  There is nothing wrong. There is nothing to fix.

There was a time when I found myself having to do relationship resets a few times a month with various people in my life.  I would escape into my mental and emotional womb like cave of comfort. (Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash)

Womb Cave Of Comfort For People Pleasers - Dr. Dar Hawks

I realized, there was more for me to do to shift the energy of attracting takers… more to do to embrace the energy of mutual giving and receiving in a dance much like the Infinity Symbol.

The #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have to Thrive in all their relationships…

I wanted a word to represent a balance of giving and receiving… as a feeling and sensing… not a tit for tat metric.

BAM!  I found the word Reciprocal.  Then Reciprocity.

I am a fan of looking up the meanings and origination of word… and today I used the Cambridge English Dictionary.

Reciprocal is a reciprocal action or arrangement involves two people or groups of people who behave in the same way or agree to help each other and give each other advantages. Reciprocity is behavior in which 2 people or groups of people give each other help and advantages.

I also found this on Huffington post to help explain how reciprocity can be learned… why some have it and others don’t: The rules of reciprocity are something that can be learned from culture, upbringing, experience or influence, or maybe they’re just something you’re born knowing.

So…

I took on Reciprocity… as a foundational value and principle in my life.

Everything… and I mean everything… is for mutual benefit in my relationships.  And that is NOT being selfish.  It’s being honoring of them… and me!

The day I stopped attracting selfish, manipulative and charming takers was the day I added this one ingredient into my life… into my value system… to the core of my being.

Then… any boundaries I had to put in place previously, were not necessary any longer.  I learned that sharing my values with everyone early on in the relationship informed them of how I roll… and we would know right then if we were aligned… or not.  If they resonate with my values, and I with theirs… it’s a calm go.  If not… it’s a wait and see but I am not diving in yet.  And… reciprocity has to be present otherwise I know I am going into the relationship with an uneven balance of energy exchange.  My history has provided enough experiences to know that if I sacrifice reciprocity, it never turns out well… and I am the one who ends up suffering.

I Choose Reciprocity as My #1 Core Value
as a People Pleaser

Yin Yang Icon - #1 Core Value For People Pleasers- Dr. Dar Hawks - Trans

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Listen to “Ep. 23 9 Ways You’ve Been Trained to Be a People Pleaser + Origination of the Term” on Spreaker.

The #1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have
#1 Core Value People Pleasers Must Have - FB - Dr. Dar Hawks

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