Understanding the Toxic Dance Between Narcissists, Empaths and People Pleasers

Understanding the Toxic Dance Between Narcissists, Empaths and People Pleasers

Narcissists <–> Empaths & People Pleasers

Understanding Their Toxic Dance

Narcissists and empaths
This morning, as I lay in between deep sleep and lucidity, the Voice of my Higher Self said ‘write about the toxic dance and seemingly never-ending cord of attachment between narcissists and empaths… share your perspective about it… and about The Universal Law of Duality, Polarity, and Consequence – because there is much misunderstanding and misinformation being provided to empaths for their process of being healed.’

So, here I have been sitting… since 6:30 a.m. off and on… waiting patiently for the words to fall onto this screen that you are on now.  For that I am grateful!

Let’s start with the characteristics of narcissism [Adapted from Source]:

Narcissists consistantly crave attention and praise and are extremely needy and demanding. They have unrealistic, often misguided, grand views of themselves, their lives, and their futures.

They are manipulative, condescending, and argumentative, all to get what they want. They are intensely controlling, dominating, and can be jealous to an extreme. They can be shy and prey on your empathy, giving, and caring or they can be dominating and assertive.

Often, they are immensely charismatic – their charm lures us into their lair.  They don’t show their tendencies until we have become enamored by them… and then… they emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abuse those around them for self-gain.  

They are known to call you selfish and blame you for anything and everything that does not align with their ideal and grand desires… which can change in an instant. Or they manipulate through using guilt, shame, and embarrassment against you.

They demand respect and loyalty… but do not do what it takes to earn it much less retain it.

Their vanity and self-adoration of their beauty draws us in as well.  The world in their head does not match up to your reality, but you can never convince them of it.

And, we are constantly puzzled at how much they exaggerate their accomplishments… make them up… and even lie about them.  When questioned, they masterfully turn it to the other person being the issue or problem.  They think and believe they are the most important thing on the planet.

When challenged or questioned, they criticize, blame, get angry, deny and lie even more… they believe their lies to be truth… and the person on the receiving end, starts to doubt themselves… regardless of how obvious the lie is or how much the truth is in crystal clear beyond any shadow of doubt.

In short, they are users, abusers, takers, manipulators, and handlers. Their lies are truth to them, and their ideas about themselves and the world they live in are far from reality and what’s happening in reality.

The thing is… we have enabled them to become larger than life monsters. 


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Listen to “Ep.20 Understanding the Attraction Between Narcissists and Empaths” on Spreaker.

But why are empaths and people pleasers so deliciously and irresistibly attracted to them? 

They exude ultra-confidence, never doubt themselves, and portray themselves as perfection and the best at everything. 

They are everything we, as empaths and people pleasers, are not.

But, they portray themselves, energetically, and initially as higher self versions of ourselves.  We just don’t see through the illusion they exude until we are head deep into their web of deceit.

Empaths and people pleasers, doubt themselves, sabotage themselves, question their confidence and abilities, and seek higher learning on their own but may miss the point of self-improvement and instead do it to appease others… which attracts the narcissistic or exploiting self serving behaviors in others. 

I say that empaths and people pleasers also practice humility which is why we do question everything. Because we look within as we observe others and our world, and process the energy… we take it on as though it is our weight to bear.  We as empaths and people pleasers, secretly or openly, want to transform the world and our world around us.  It is too much weight to bear, so we take in all that heavy energy.

But it does not have to be that way! 

Celebrating Hippo Symbolism - Dr. Dar Hawks

 Why These 4 Universal Laws Matter

  1. The Law of Divine Oneness Everything is connected to everything else.  Consequently, empaths falsely feel that they attracted the narcissist for a cosmic reason, to make a difference, and to maybe even cause transformation and change. Empaths come to believe that this love is so deep that it cannot be anything else but love.  However, it is energetic discord designed to help us find the oneness within, the love within, the honor within, the respect within. 
  2. The Law of Perpetual Transmutation of Energy – Every person has the capacity within them to change the conditions of their lives. Higher vibrations consume and transform lower onesWe find ourselves believing with incredulous conviction that we can change the condition of our lives by staying in this relationship.  Until one day, we find ourselves so utterly diminished that we are faced with choosing our life or our death, literally or figuratively. 
  3. The Law of Polarity – Everything is on a continuum and has an opposite. In our lopsided world of programming and conditioning, we, as women, have been taught to think that opposites attract, that we are the issue, that we are the ones that need fixing, and we’ve been indoctrinated into a world of problems that are always in need of solving.  People cannot be solved, and people are not problems.  I think that polarity, or duality, exists for us to discern what does and does not feel good… so that we can become adept at choosing what feels good. 
  4. The Law of Gender – Everything in nature is both masculine and feminine. Both are required for life to exist. Without the harmonic balance of both, there would no movement, motion, or creation.  Masculine energy is thought, feminine energy is the life force that brings the thought into form in physical reality. Together they form the creative process. Imbalances of these two energies can create a false sense of lack, hence attracting the opposite into our lives. 
  5. The Law of Conservation of Energy – Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another.  Remember, energy just is, and it can be transformed or moved.  Which is why those of us who identify with being empaths, highly emotional or sensitive, believe we are here to save others and the world.  We are here to cause transformation, to be healers, and to be healed.  However, we are not here to take on the world.  There is a subtle difference.

You see, we are not here to heal them or the world.  We are simply here to heal ourselves, shed whatever we’ve been told is true about having empathic abilities, and feel good about ourselves.  When we feel good about ourselves, our lives, work, and relationships, nothing can diminish our energy to being small and insignificant.

Once we get that we are not here to heal each other, or heal them… we find ourselves free from the toxic bondage.  You see, we can only heal ourselves and our own energies.  And through doing that, we cause transformation and healing in others, energetically. 

Not the other way around. 

Here are some other repetitive behaviors to look out for as big, loud, honking, red flags:

1. Conversation Hoarder – it is always all about them.
2. Chronic Conversation Interrupter – to make everything about them.
3. Rule Ignorer – does not think any rule applies to them.
4. Boundary Dismiss-er – does not see, consider, or even care about other people’s thoughts,
    feelings, physical space, or belongings… because it is all about them.
5. Prey on activating negativity – they love negativity because it makes them feel good and you
    feel bad.

I don’t prescribe to what empaths have been taught about being sponges, being stuck in unhealthy relationships, or needing crutches to just survive an hour in this world. Those models make us think that it is ultra hard to live our lives as empaths, emotionally astute, or highly sensitive beings.  They are based on the problem looking for a solution model.  I believe that empaths are not problems to be solved.  And I see human beings as energy beings. 

Because we are energy beings, we can discern what energy to take in and what not to take in.  We are not victims of energy coming in and out.  We are choosers.  But it requires understanding our energetic map, our own road map to our own unique energy. 

When you know what how that energy works in your body, then you can connect with it.  You will stop being the attraction magnet for gaslighting narcissistic behaviors in others.

Notice where in your life and relationships you are being downtrodden, or highly emotional or sensitive.  Notice what you are taking on.  Are you choosing it consciously?  Or have you just taken on the bad behaviors in others as an energy because energetically, you know you are  here to transform the energy?

I invite you to learn about your unique body energy map so that you can begin to manage, leverage, honor, and respect your energy… and know when energy is not yours, if it feels good, and if it does not… by honoring the wisdom of your body’s energy map. To learn more about Your Body Energy Map click the button now. 

A woman searching for change

A woman searching for change

I had been searching too until…

I Was Searching Too - Changed Woman

“A woman searching for change” → “A changed woman”

I was there.

A woman searching for change, so I understand what it means to be in your shoes.

Why is the process of feeling good every day so hard?

And remember the part about creating a new definition…a new narrative?

From all that time on “life’s treadmill” trying to come up with a new approach to change. To feel good every day…in a way that’s easy and works with you, not against you.

And declaring…

“I’m ready for a life that honors my energy and uniqueness.”

A life in flow.

A life where you know what days to take big action and what days that you let the world bustle around your while you happily rest (without guilt or shame that you’re taking your 3rd nap of the day.)

I get it because I was there too. 


…in my quest to feel good in my body and mind I knew that I had to do things differently (after 2 near-deaths, years of feeling underappreciated for my talents at work and being highly sensitive to energy in my daily life.)

It was when I realized I could manage my wellness by tracking my energy and by understanding the environmental influences in my life.

Here’s the thing…

…it’s just as easy for you.

When you follow the patterns…the ebbs and flows…you no longer choose the power of the push and pull in your life and work. (Your body and mind can’t sustain that anyway.)

It’s the gift of the Superpower Formula.

A superpower is YOU when you’re in flow, feel great about yourself, your life, and your relationships.

It emanates from deep within your soul naturally.

We all have 5 superpowers within us: fun, freedom, love & belonging, power, and survival.

Understanding your superpower is just the beginning of becoming “A changed woman.”

(I have a quiz you can take if you want to get started now → CLICK HERE)

Once you see how to track this for yourself…You’re on your way.

Keep your eyes out…in the next article, we’ll tap into emotions and feelings to manifest and receive.

From my heart to yours,
Dr. Dar    “A woman searching for change” → “A changed woman”

P.S. Just imagine what it will feel like to know the difference between emotion and feeling so your harmonious flow isn’t disrupted! 

Can you change your life, really?  Can we get real about this?

Can you change your life, really? Can we get real about this?

Can we finally get real about this?

Can you really “change” your life if you’re a people pleaser?

Can You Change Your Life - Seal - Drdarhawks


First, let’s talk about what a healthy people pleaser is…

We are:

  • Kind
  • Generous
  • Compassionate
  • Genuine
  • Emotional
  • Sensitive
  • Loving
  • Supportive
  • Caring
  • Collaborative
  • Creative
  • Empathetic
  • And… We love helping others

This may not be a “how to win friends” thought, but it has to be said.

The reason you’re still not seeing those changes you want in your life is because…well…

…you’re still trying to make changes the way other people do… and other people may not have all the qualities of a healthy people-pleaser.

Think about it for a minute:

If you’re still googling the same old things like “how to be happy” or “how to change my life” and desperately pleading to the google gods to show you different answers than the ones you’ve spent hours reading (because you’ve tried it already and it hasn’t worked for you)…

…then maybe it’s time for a new definition.

One that doesn’t induce those “eye-rolling” reactions every time your well-meaning BFF, partner, or even parent, has the audacity to ask you how “things” are going.

(My life feels like I’m going through the same motions and not going anywhere…it’s like groundhog day…every…single…day. How do you think it’s going?!)

So if this whole change your life for the better thing is just an endless practice of stress, self-doubt, and cartons of Ben & Jerry’s hoping it makes you feel good…

…why wouldn’t you be open to changing the narrative?

…one that empowers you to feel good on a deeper more sustainable level?

…one that doesn’t force you into a phony “everything is fine” smile every time someone questions your actions?

…one that actually gives you a taste of this whole “life is good” thing every guru with an Instagram account has been going nuts over for the last decade?

The truth is…

There are bunches of women just like you who live this reality each and every day.

But they didn’t get there by giving in to the here-today-gone-tomorrow mindset fads or trying to see the answers at the bottom of an ice-cream container.

They got there by FIRST declaring themselves “ready for a life that honors their energy and uniqueness.”  

…and then learning practical life and mindset shifts that open the gates to a deeper level of abundance and happiness.

They didn’t solely rely on affirmations or mantras.

But also brought in the simple energetic, principles and strategies that changed the way they thought about themselves, their life, and what matters most.

“A woman searching for change” → “A changed woman”

That’s a topic for my next article.

This antiquated perception that you need to “be what others want you to be”  in order to have a fulfilled life…  In order to help others… and honoring the wonderful qualities of being a people pleaser instead of changing themselves to suit the outside world.

Here’s the link to that article that will show you a more reflective framework for making and sustaining lasting change in your life.

Till then…

Being honest from my heart to yours,
Dr. Dar

P.S. I invite you to stop working so intensely hard to change your life. Instead, gift yourself  with the free Feel Good Superpower Formula that lovingly allows you to bring purpose, joy, ease, flow, and inner and outer love to my being.