What’s Up with the Wife Bailing?



Dr. Dar Hawks

Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What the heck is this all about?

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully nurture their relationships making sure there is enough closeness and connection.  If closeness and connection is not present, women tend to do what they can to try to fix things.  If their husbands are less than responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun; enter the constant nagger.  The nagging starts with things that need to get done around the house, then responsibilities pertaining to the children, and how free time is spent followed by sarcasm, criticism, and attacking comments.  Men do not respond to nagging.  They disappear, they avoid, they shut down.  Women respond to that by nagging even more, like a pit bull that is not going to let go of their catch.  It becomes a seemingly never ending cycle.

Women eventually surrender and convince themselves that change isn’t possible , usually after decades, yes I said DECADES,  of trying unsuccessfully to improve things.  One key point is that the women attempt to fix things on their own, they consult their friends but they do not consult a professional who can actually help them shift things much quicker.  Women believe  there is absolutely nothing they can do because everything they have tried has been unsuccessful (key point, they did not get help from someone who is trained to help save marriages).  At this point women begin to quietly and carefully map out the logistics of what they consider to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

While planning their exit strategy, women no longer try to improve their relationship or modify their partner’s behavior in any way.  They become resigned to living in silent desperation until the exit day.  At this point, the husband views his wife’s silence as an indication that “All is Well”  because the nagging has stopped.  When the wife drops the D-I-V-O-R-C-E bomb,  the husband is completely blind sided and does not have a clue that things were this bad.  Now, the husband attempts to make changes in their behavior, but the wife has checked out at this point, it is too late.   The wife is not able to recognize the changes or his willingness to change. The relationship is in the RED zone.

If you resonate with anything in this post, please do not give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been.  Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding.  I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat.

Give your husband another chance.  Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering for lifetimes. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills to make your marriage what you’ve wanted it to be for so long?

If you’re a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her, validate her.  It means she still cares about you and your marriage. Spend time with her. Listen to her, acknowledge her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she’s the most important thing in the world to you.

Perhaps your wife is not responsive because she is already bailing.  If so,  be patient, do not crowd her, start doing the things she has nagged you about over the months or years, don’t expect her to notice right away.  Be patient and do not push her.  Demonstrate that you have changed through your actions more than your words…validate her.  Watch the validation video and implement what you learn immediately because you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.

“Validation” is a fable about the magic of free parking. Starring TJ Thyne & Vicki Davis. Writer/Director/Composer – Kurt Kuenne. Winner – Best Narrative Short, Cleveland Int’l Film Festival, Wi..”

Check out the emotional freedom technique to help you deal with all the pent up emotions and release them.

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